The Worst thing about Infertility

Sherry Dale, MSW

It is well-documented that infertility has a profound impact on people’s emotional well-being. Almost half of women in one study said infertility was the worst experience they had ever had.[1] A U.K. survey of over a thousand workers sought to determine which life events were hardest to deal with. The top four most difficult life events were, in this order, miscarriage, death of a loved one, serious illness, and infertility.[2]

For those encountering difficulty achieving a successful pregnancy, the main distress is usually about not (yet) having the baby, which is further complicated by not knowing if and when the pregnancy will ever be achieved.

Though yearning for a baby is an emotion common to most infertility patients, specific aspects of infertility impact people differently. I often ask my clients, “What, for you, is the worst thing about this whole experience of infertility?” Their answers cover much ground, and highlight just how multifaceted the experience is. I have gathered together some responses to this question – perhaps you will recognize your own “worst thing” in other people’s thoughts and feelings.

Waiting – Infertility is all about waiting. When you decide it’s time to have a family, you wait during several months of “trying” before you speak to your doctor, who may advise you to wait a few more months before consulting a fertility specialist. Eventually, you will be referred to a gynecologist or fertility doctor. The wait to get in to see them may be months. The doctor will likely order all manner of tests, and you wait for the appointments. Then wait for the results. Then wait for a consultation with the doctor again to discuss the results. You will likely then be directed either to further testing, surgery, and/or treatment. For which you wait. In order to start treatment, you eagerly wait for your period, which can feel very strange after so long hoping NOT to get it! Then you anxiously wait for the pregnancy test. If the news is bad, you wait for another chance to try again.

“We’ve been trying to have a baby almost four years now! The constant waiting drives me crazy. At every step, there’s more WAITING! I’m a take-charge person and I don’t do well with just sitting around…waiting…waiting.”

Angela*

Disappointment When Treatment is Not Successful – No matter how many times you’ve been disappointed by your period arriving or a negative pregnancy test, it doesn’t prepare you for the next bad news. In fact, disappointment can escalate over cycles as you begin to feel despair or lose sight of hope.

“I never could have imagined how devastating it would be to get proof month after month that I am still not pregnant. I try to prepare myself – I know the statistics – but it’s like it knocks me off my feet harder and harder each time I find out that, once again, I did not conceive.”

Alicia

Others’ Pregnancies – Many women find it really difficult to hear about pregnancies of friends, coworkers, or even celebrities. Envy is very common, and can be extremely painful.[3]

“If one more person announces they are expecting their second, third, or fourth child, I will just scream! I’m happy for them, but while we’ve been trying so hard to get ONE baby, it seems the rest of the world is popping them out left, right, and centre.”

Kim

Impact on Your Spouse – Especially for men, one of the worst things about infertility is seeing how their partner is affected by the sadness, fear, and disappointment.

“By far, for me, the worst part of infertility is seeing the toll it takes on my wife. She was normally such a happy person, but now she cries every day. I see the stress and sadness knocking her down, and sometimes I worry that she’ll never be the same again.”

Tom

Feeling Stuck – While infertility remains unresolved, you may feel that your life is stalled. It’s difficult to make plans, and forward movement in life is on hold. Most of us feel most comfortable when we have the sense that our lives are at least somewhat within our control and we can affect our own outcomes.[4]

“Everything in our lives seems to be on hold, like we’re permanently taxiing on the runway. We can’t plan holidays because we’re not sure when we’ll be in treatment. I hate my job, but don’t want to look for a new one in case I’m pregnant soon. We want to buy a house, but don’t know whether it should be a bungalow in the suburbs or a condo on the waterfront. I don’t even buy new clothes anymore, hoping that I’ll soon need maternity clothes. It just feels like we are really stuck in this one place.”

Barbara

Impact on Your Existing Child – Those who already have a child often feel a great deal of pressure to provide them with a sibling. They may worry that their child will feel lonely or deprived without a brother or sister.

“Our daughter is almost five. I have dreamed about giving her a brother or sister since she was two. Now I worry that she might be an only child. Even if we do conceive, the age difference between them isn’t what we had planned.”

Jennifer

Financial Pressure – Fertility treatments and adoption can be very costly! You may be uncertain how you’ll be able to afford to build your family. It’s very painful if treatments or adoption are out of reach because you just can’t afford those options.

“I suppose you can’t put a price on having a family, but we don’t have a lot of money, and our treatments have really set us back financially. With the economy the way it is, I worry that we’ll deplete our savings…and maybe all for nothing if it never works!”

Lori

Letting Your Spouse Down – The vast majority of couples see infertility as “our” problem, not “mine” or “yours,” and I rarely see a fertile partner blame the spouse with the diagnosis. Still, if the infertility is due to your medical issue, you may feel guilty or regretful that your partner suffers because of your diagnosis.

“I know how much my husband wants children. He’s great with kids, and when I see him with our nieces and nephews, it makes me so sad that my diagnosis might deprive him of being a father. I feel like I’m letting him down – that I’m the cause of his most profound disappointment.”

Terri

Ailing Parents – If your parents are in faltering health, you may feel great urgency to start your family before the ill parent dies. Caring for a sick parent can also add a great deal of stress during the infertility experience.

“My mother is fighting cancer. I’m so worried that I’ll lose her before we have a baby. It would be terrible for her not to know her grandchild, and for our baby to never meet her.”

Catherine

Loss of Dignity – The nature of fertility testing and treatment is such that the most intimate parts of your life and your body come under scrutiny. This can be very difficult for those who are very private.

“I never imagined I’d spread my legs for so many strangers! I’m a modest person, and that part of it is really difficult for me. No matter how nice and professional the doctors and ultrasound technicians are, it still feels like an invasion of my privacy.”

Heather

Not Knowing the Outcome – You may worry that all the time, energy, emotion, and money you invest in your fertility treatments will ultimately be for naught. Many people struggle with knowing when to stop and when to keep at it.

“If someone could tell me that it’ll all work out in the end, even if it’s years from now, it would be easier to take. Even if someone could tell us it won’t happen, it would be better than not knowing. The uncertainty drives me nuts.”

Tanya

Impact on Your Relationship – Most people find that infertility can add a strain to a relationship, though most people say it ultimately brings them closer together. Certainly, almost all couples notice their relationship is affected in some way.

“We’ve only been married a year, and it seems our whole relationship now is about trying to have a baby. Our sex life has been taken over by it, and we’re not having much fun. I worry about whether our relationship will recover from this.”

Daniel

Loneliness – Some people are very private about their infertility. Others are comfortable talking to others about it, but find their friends and family don’t really get it. Perhaps even your spouse doesn’t fully comprehend your emotions. This can make you feel sad and isolated.

“I don’t know anyone else who’s going through this. All my friends have babies! When we get together, it’s all they talk about, and I feel really left out. I don’t even want to see my friends anymore. Nobody understands, and I feel very alone.”

Marlene

Reading these quotations from others experiencing infertility, do some of their thoughts and feelings sound familiar? It can be comforting to hear others say what you also feel. Many people find reading others’ personal stories, attending support groups, talking to friends also experiencing infertility, or participating in online bulletin boards helps them cope while trying to build their family. IAAC is a very good starting point when you’re looking for people who truly understand what you’re going through.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
* Names have been changed.

[1] Freeman, E.W., Boxer, A.S., Rickels, K., Tureck, R., & Mastroianni, L. Jr. (1985). Psychological evaluation and support in a program of in vitro fertilization and embryo transfer. Fertility and Sterility, 4, 48-53.

[2] PPC Worldwide (2005). Milestone or Millstone? http://www.ppcworldwide.com.

[3] Dale, S. (2008, Fall). The Double-Headed, Green-Eyed Monster: Jealousy and Envy in Infertility. Creating Families: Canadian Magazine of Reproductive Health.

[4] Dale, S. (2007, Winter). Infertility as a Loss of Control. Creating Families: Canadian Magazine of Reproductive Health.