Why Speak Up?

by Danielle Alderman

What is harder – to live silently with infertility or to speak out publicly and admit that infertility is a part of our lives? I was asked to answer this question: why should the infertile community get out of the closet and stand up for their rights?

Why? You’d think the reasons would be pretty obvious. Simply put, the more voices we have, the more likely we’ll be heard. The more likely we’re heard, the more likely we’ll see change. The more likely we see change, the more likely fewer people will suffer.

It’s simple enough – or so you’d think.

The fact of the matter is that infertility is a private issue for many – a silent issue that is not discussed. You don’t find people asking all pregnant women if they conceived naturally. You don’t find people asking if it was a one-night stand, a fluke, an accident, or a well planned and masterfully executed masterpiece. Occasionally, if it’s comfortable enough, some may ask how long it took, how many months, etc. But it rarely reaches the point of asking how many years, how many needles, how many procedures, how many heartaches, how many dollars and cents, how many vacation days or how many fights and fits of frustration. These are the things we opt to tuck away in the closet, to hide from others for fear of judgment, for fear of embarrassment, for fear of acknowledging a reality that we’ve been running from for far too long.

The truth is that we’re not alone. There are plenty of women who truly struggle with infertility not just daily, but in every moment of their lives. It consumes hours, then days, then weeks, then months and, for some, years. They turn inwards, seeking refuge and comfort. They search for answers to despairing questions – Why me? Why us? Do we deserve this? What did I do wrong? What did we do wrong? Why is this happening? As most of us know, these answers will never come. Infertility is what it is. We can opt to live as victims or we can take the first step towards survival.

For me, finding my voice regarding infertility came a little by surprise. At first I wrote for myself; I wrote for my healing, for my heart, for my sanity. Slowly, I learned that my healing and my voice weren’t just for me. Although it was just a whisper at first, others heard me. They heard me and they felt the difference that we could make together.

Openly speaking and sharing my experience with infertility and the infertility treatments that we’ve chosen hasn’t always been easy. I have encountered ignorant, inconsiderate people, some of whom I’d thought of as friends, friends I’d known for 20 years. Our differences of opinion haven’t always been easy to deal with, but the reality is that if it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t have known what some people really think. And if it weren’t for me, they wouldn’t know the reality that so many people live with daily. Together we created awareness.

Whether it’s a public speaking engagement, an interview, a quote or a written article, I often receive support and comments on how brave I was for sharing my story, or how much my sharing was appreciated; sometimes I’m told I made a difference in someone else’s life. It’s rewarding and I can’t help but think to myself that it’s not hard, or as hard as I thought it would be, and I wonder why more people don’t join me. The answer is simple – I haven’t asked for the company. So with that, I chose to invite you to join me in making a difference, be it with a whisper, a step or a hug. I ask you to speak up and share your story. If you’re feeling alone I ask that you consider starting a support group. If you’re willing to share your story publicly and openly I ask that you contact IAAC at info@iaac.ca , as they would love to hear from you.

Infertility doesn’t need to be something we experience alone. Infertility isn’t just for those who are trying to conceive their first. Infertility affects people of all walks of life, of all lifestyles and of all family sizes. Whether it’s primary or secondary infertility or the challenges of growing your family in a same sex relationship, or even on your own, you’re not alone. But if no one speaks up, we’ll never be able to share and get the comfort that comes from the support of people who understand.

IAAC takes initiatives; they encourage us to speak out, to share our stories. They do this because they see our value. They see the value in our hardships and our suffering. They see that sharing our stories, that creating awareness will help not just in the now, but it will help others down the road as they come to this bridge.

Science can only show so much. Studies can’t reflect it all. It’s up to the patients, the victims and the survivors of infertility to put a name and a face to a story. It’s up to us to take a particularly rotten situation and make something better of it.

I used to be that friend of a friend. I used to be faceless and nameless. Rumors of my story offered hope to strangers, and my suffering brought them comfort, in the knowledge that they weren’t alone. My nameless, faceless story did make a difference; however my face, my voice, and myself have reached that much further.

Not everyone needs to be in newspapers or magazines. Not everyone needs to speak publicly, but we should all speak, even if it’s just a whisper at first. We should share our stories, not just with our friends and family, but with each other. We should share our story with our governments and those who can take our stories, our names and our faces and make a difference.

It’s not always an easy road, but it is a rewarding one. Some months, the satisfaction doesn’t come from good estrogen numbers or high follicle counts. Sometimes the satisfaction comes from knowing that we reached out, or spoke up, and not only did someone reach back, but we were heard.

Visit IAAC to find out how your voice can make a difference and how your story can help.

About the Author

Danielle and her husband Jeff were teenage sweethearts and have been enjoying life together since 1994. Following their marriage in 2001, they decided to start growing their family in April 2003. Largely undiagnosed, they fall under the category of “unexplained” infertility. Having been to the edge and back medically, mentally and physically they continue to have faith in each other and their shared dream to be parents. Danielle can be contacted at DanielleAlderman@hotmail.com