TEN THINGS WE WISH SOMEONE HAD TOLD US BEFORE WE ADOPTED by Heidi Marr - SUMMER 2011

TEN THINGS WE WISH SOMEONE HAD TOLD US BEFORE WE ADOPTED

by Heidi Marr

Infertility prompted our adoption journey, which is fairly typical. At the time, we did not feel “typical” at all. However, after struggling through years of the emotional pitfalls associated with “inexplicable infertility” and several failed attempts at conception through various medical interventions, we decided to throw ourselves wholeheartedly at the Adoption Option.

Originally, my husband and I were leaning towards international adoption, focusing on infants and toddlers from Ethiopia. However, we were also both committed to adopting siblings. We did our due diligence, explored all available avenues, and eventually decided to pursue the public domestic path. Somewhere along the way, we began to set our sights on older children. In the end, the painful years of childlessness were worth it when we welcomed two beautiful (Canadian) kids into our home and our hearts: at the time they were placed with us, Hope was ten and Cody was seven.

Obviously, adopting two older children from Ontario was a far cry from adopting an Ethiopian baby but something just felt right about these particular kids. When we discovered our children at the Adoption Resource Exchange (A.R.E.) in April 2009, Hope and Cody sounded like – and have turned out to be – the perfect match for us. In fact, when we read their profile, we felt like we were reading about ourselves. Hope is an avid reader who has a thirst for travel. Adam and I are both avid readers who have travelled throughout six continents. Cody is an outgoing child who thrives on activity and loves all sports. My husband is a social butterfly who plays hockey, soccer, and volleyball in weekly leagues; I enjoy a healthy social life, weekly Pilates classes, and hiking. Both kids love the outdoors and wanted the opportunity to go camping and cottaging. We live at a lake, have a cottage in Muskoka, and love to spend as much time as possible in the Great Outdoors. In many ways, these kids sounded too good to be true.

Once we were matched and we knew that the four of us were going to become a family, my overwhelming feelings of loss and grief from our infertility fiascos fell away and those feelings were replaced immediately with new ones – not the least of which was terror (are we strong enough to be the parents these kids so desperately need?). Luckily, our excitement overshadowed any feelings of doubt we may have had!

We have been a happy family for over a year and a half now. Hope has celebrated two birthdays with us and is now twelve years old. She is quiet and conservative, has a good heart and is fiercely loyal to friends and family. Our daughter is a true “tween” and has perfected the eye-roll to prove it. She is discovering music and recently tried to convince me that Depeche Mode is a new band and I couldn’t possibly like their tunes. I thoroughly enjoyed showing her my retro CD collection, explaining to her that I had not one but three DM concert T-shirts from the ‘90s!

Cody is more outgoing than his older sister; he’s social and hilarious. He can also be a Momma’s Boy – needing extra hugs and kisses – which I have to admit, I don’t hate. At nine years of age, Cody loves all sports and picks up new activities with ease. He is adventurous and a real “lad’s lad”. We cannot imagine our lives without these two kids in them! We recently asked Hope and Cody what they would have wanted to know before being adopted. After contemplating the issue, Hope replied, “We didn’t really have many questions back then”. Unlike her, Adam and I had hundreds of questions “back then”. Here is our list of ten things we wish someone had told us before we adopted:

. It’s OK if you don’t feel an immediate connection to the kids in the photos/videos. People continually told us that when we saw images of our prospective children, we would just know they were our kids-in-waiting. I have to admit, that did not happen to me. I looked at the photos at our interview with the CAS and saw strangers. I watched a video of our kids that the CAS supplied after our interview and still did not feel any particular emotional bond to the little people in it. As a result, I thought something was either entirely wrong with me or these weren’t the kids for us. However, their profiles – and my gut instincts – were telling me something different. Obviously, we adopted them regardless of any lack of connection I felt to their photos and I’m certainly glad we did! Looking back, I think I was protecting myself from further disappointment on the heels of years of infertility. I didn’t want to allow myself to feel an immediate connection to a photo in case things did not work in our favour and I had to endure yet another disappointment. I wish someone I spoke to had told me these feelings were natural and there was nothing “wrong” with me – it would have saved us a lot of heartache as we made the most important decision of our lives.

2. Your kids won’t just come with luggage, they’ll come with baggage. Our kids moved in to our home with their prized possessions: Hope had three boxes of books that the school librarian had given to her and Cody owned a few cars and trucks. They also each had a black garbage bag of clothing. That covered their “luggage”. As for baggage, they moved in with residual feelings of abandonment and obvious signs of neglect. At night, if they couldn’t hear us puttering around the house, they worried that we had left them home alone. We had to make a lot of noise when they were in bed – the opposite of what we expected. They also didn’t know basic things like how to tell time, use the phone, or identify coins. They didn’t know to brush their teeth daily (let alone after every meal) or to wash fruit before eating it. We discover these things regularly and continue to make up for years of early neglect.

3. If you adopt more than one child at the same time, you may fall in love with them at different rates. Personally, I have more in common with one of my children than the other so I find it easier to connect with that one. In the beginning, I felt incredibly guilty about this. Now, I just recognize that I have to work a bit harder on one relationship than the other and that’s OK. If I had birthed our kids, I likely would have fallen in love with them at different rates anyway. The fact that we got a “two-for-one special” doesn’t change the fact that we form connections with different people for different reasons. Today, I love my kids equally but differently.

4. It’s true what they say: every parent thinks his or her children are the cutest/smartest/best. I was worried that since our children are not related to us biologically, I wouldn’t feel for them what I know my friends feel for their offspring. The good news is, although I know it’s not logical, I actually do think our kids are the cutest/smartest/best kids around!

5. Set up family traditions immediately. Your adopted kids need to feel that they are part of your family unit as soon as possible. One easy way to aid their integration is to establish some family traditions. Friday Night Dance Night quickly became a favourite past-time in our home. We also have birthday and holiday traditions that the kids already looked forward to after only one year with us. Establishing these traditions early helped the four of us think of ourselves as a family from the beginning.

6. Retell your family story over and over again. Our kids moved in to our home less than five weeks after our first meeting. During the transition period, we filled them in on years of history. They didn’t know how we met or fell in love. They hadn’t met any of our friends or family members. By repeating our family stories over and over, they started to connect to their extended family and our circle of friends. Eventually, everyone forgot that they haven’t always been around.

7. Retell your adoption story over and over again. We tell our kids about the A.R.E. where we saw their photos. We repeat the story about our interview with the CAS and how we felt on the day when we eventually met them. Today, our kids own the story, too. Recently, my son told me he spent recess telling his friend about being adopted because she didn’t believe him. When pressed for details, he said, “I told her the whole story”. When I asked for specifics, he paused and exclaimed, “Mom, you know the story”.

8. If you adopt older kids, you will miss out on many firsts – but not all (and you may be surprised). Sure, we missed our kids’ first words and first steps. We didn’t take them to school on the first day of Kindergarten. We didn’t teach them to read or to whistle. But, we did take them to their first shopping mall (which was kind of like taking untrained puppies to the park). We taught them to skate, took them to their first hotel, and threw their first birthday parties. We’re confident we’ll have the opportunity to experience even more firsts over the years.

9. Celebrate the small stuff. When our kids moved in, Hope told us in no uncertain terms that she did not hug people. She was also so shy, she didn’t participate in Friday Night Dance Night but rather watched from the couch. Today, she won’t go to bed unless we tuck her in and cuddle for several minutes. She progressed to making FNDN a game and danced with her stuffed animals, then eventually surrendered to her wild side and today dances like a maniac – just like the rest of us. So, while she continues to face some post-adoption struggles, we can see just how far she has come in less than two years and it is truly inspiring. We try to celebrate the small stuff regularly.

10. The things they tell you in PRIDE training are true. Our PRIDE trainer told us our kids might regress after moving in (which they have – Hope plays with dolls at the age of twelve because she never had one as a child, and Cody prefers us to carry him to bed and swaddle him like a baby). They also told us to find humour in the situation whenever we can. Recently, a stranger asked me how old I was when we started to have children. I told him 36 – my age when our kids moved in. He followed up by asking how old our kids are now. Without missing a beat, I told him twelve and nine. He looked perplexed for a moment and then sputtered, “Holy cow! You look great for your age!” thinking me an impeccably-kept 48 year old. I chose not to set him straight but merely thanked him and told him the kids keep me young… Finally, our PRIDE trainer told us that our kids would ask certain questions and say certain things and so far – thanks to our training – we have had appropriate responses to share whenever the situations arise. And, incidentally, it’s also true that all the paperwork we filled in during the home study, and all the intrusive interviews, and all the training was worth it – when we became a family of four, nothing else mattered.