Stepfamilies and Infertility - by Tara Sheppard (Fall 2010)

STEPFAMILIES AND INFERTILITY

by Tara Sheppard, MMFT
Fall 2010

A couple remarrying is hopeful that everyone in the family will grow to love one another, but they are often surprised by the storms that arise. Also, when they try to conceive more children, they may become overwhelmed by the added stress of infertility. Given that 40% of Canadians divorce and that one in six Canadian couples are experiencing fertility challenges, there is no doubt that step couples are sitting in the waiting rooms of fertility clinics. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I am often asked by step couples going through infertility: how do I deal with all of this?

I provide infertility counselling to stepfamilies living in many various circumstances. My clients may include two parents who both brought children to the marriage and are experiencing secondary infertility because they want more children. I have counselled stepfamilies where one partner has children and the other partner has no children; one partner is dealing with primary infertility whereas the other has secondary infertility. There are also adult stepchildren going through infertility. Confused yet? Welcome to infertility and stepfamilies, where confusion is not uncommon! I have also counselled stepchildren coping with jealousy of children who may come through fertility treatments. Some children are frustrated with the step couple, who may be spending time, money and attention on ART procedures which can stress the entire family unit. When I ask step couples, “What is it like for you to go through infertility and live in a stepfamily?”, sometimes I hear, “We're doing great, everyone has adapted well.” However, more often than not, step couples are very distressed.

An expert on stepfamilies, Patricia Papernow suggests that everyone in a stepfamily should modify their dreams to be more realistic. I encourage stepfamilies to let go of their fantasies, such as the hope that “maybe my stepchild will love me immediately”, or “my dad and my mom will get back together and my stepparent will be kicked to the curb.” When going through infertility, a couple's dreams will shift to accommodate the diagnosis. Remember that it takes time and effort to function well as a stepfamily. It is not an overnight process.

Effective communication is crucial. Both partners must learn to communicate openly about the roles, rules, routines and support that can help de-stress the family unit. They should try to make time for romance as the combination of infertility and stepfamily stressors will test their love. I recommend that step couples check in daily with each other, to talk about positive as well as negative experiences that have occurred in both the couple and family. For example, what conversations have gone well and what conflicts have surfaced. Step couples can negotiate how to be communicative leaders of the family so that both partners feel their ideas matter. Explosive conflict will often result if someone takes the stance, “they are my kids so things have to be done my way”. Resolving couple conflicts will help solve family conflicts. Most experienced parents tell me, “United we stand, divided we fall.” This is especially true for stepfamilies: if stepchildren sense division in the step couple, some of them may hope the new relationship fails so that their biological parents can be reunited.

As a stepdaughter, I know how tricky stepchildren can be. Frequently, they will say to their stepparent in a defiant tone, “you are not my parent!” One response both the biological and stepparent may give is, “you are right, he/she is your stepparent, and in our home you have to learn to accept our rules”. Parents can also explore the children's feelings, such as frustration at change, unresolved grief and anger about their parents’ divorce, or feelings of allegiance to the biological parent. Out of loyalty to the biological parent, Papernow suggests, they may feel torn and think, “I can't like both my step dad and my dad, or my dad will feel betrayed.”

I recommend weekly family meetings – a dinner conversation followed by a fun night will do – to discuss problems, resolve conflicts, and sort out routines. If the children are informed of fertility challenges, they may have anxieties about treatment processes, especially when routines will have to accommodate surgeries, appointments, and ART procedures. Children might also fear that the new children will replace them in their parents’ heart. Some step couples choose to break the news further into pregnancy, once they are more certain that the family will be expanding.

If fertility dreams come true, stepfamilies should prepare for some “growing pains”, particularly if the new additions are twins or triplets. The step couple should discuss how to adapt to decreased energy levels and time. They may introduce rules and routines that allow for one on one time with each child. Children may gradually enjoy the role of older sibling; however, sometimes older siblings have difficulty attaching to the new child due to age differences or feelings of jealousy. When learning of additions to the family, stepchildren may feel resentful and think, “My stepparent is trying to get rid of me.” Stepparents should encourage the children to express their feelings constructively, so they can feel secure in the midst of these changes.

Hurtful communication will worsen the stress. When rules of respectful communication or any other rules are broken, it is important that the biological parent enforce the rules initially through consequences, with the stepparent acting as a silent “backup.” Papernow contends that if a stepparent tries to parent too quickly, rebellion often ensues. Once the children start to accept the united leadership of the step couple and feel secure in their biological parent's love, they may be more open to the stepparent's eventual role in parenting. In the beginning, it is common for stepparents and stepchildren to dislike one another. They should gradually work towards tolerating, eventually liking and ultimately loving one another while keeping expectations realistic.

If fertility procedures are unsuccessful or miscarriage occurs, this will bring waves of stress to the stepfamily. Some children will be relieved that they do not have to share attention with new family members, while others will be saddened that their parents are hurting. Some children may mourn the loss if they had started to bond with the stepsibling who was on its way. Planning mourning rituals such as a small funeral/ceremony for the lost child may be helpful in the process of closure. Some children may not feel comfortable with grieving ceremonies and have their own ways of coping. Rules and boundaries are often tested in times of grief: some couples may choose to have the children spend more time at the ex-partner's home during this period. Others may “tag-team” so that while one parent may need space for grieving, the other one steps up with family routines. As long as the loss is mourned in constructive ways and the step couple show leadership, the stress on the family can gradually return to normal levels.

Stepparents who have not been able to have their own biological children may want to increase their step-parenting role. I encourage couples to co-parent together, with the understanding that no one can take over the biological parent's role. Stepchildren can fulfill some of the hopes for parenting, but cannot replace a stepparent's lost biological child. Parents need to fully mourn the loss of the biological child, so that they do not place unfair expectations on stepchildren. My message to stepparents is that they are a part of the stepfamily, even when feeling rejected by the stepchildren. It is crucial for step couples to nurture their marriage so they feel connected, which can soften the pain of other losses. To move forward from infertility, sometimes the stepparent's nurturing can be channelled into enjoying nieces, nephews or children in the community , along with trying to enjoy the stepchild.

Infertility and stepfamilies can make or break a couple, as Eichler writes that “people who marry for a second time are more likely to divorce again.” To prevent this, families can develop skills to navigate the stormy seas of infertility and the stepfamily dynamics. Seeking counselling is a common occurrence, and I encourage step couples to choose a therapist who is experienced in stepfamilies and infertility issues. Step couples can find further stress relief when joining stepfamily and infertility support communities. I have witnessed stepfamilies conquer their fertility and family challenges with immense courage and patience. Families are resilient, and when a step couple stays strong in their love, they can guide the stepfamily to calmer and more playful waters.

About the author
Tara Sheppard is an individual, couple and family therapist in private practice. She also assists clients undergoing ART at the Heartland Fertility and Gynecology Clinic in Winnipeg, Manitoba and is a survivor of primary infertility. For more info visit www.tarasheppard.com.