Setting Priorities

by Carrie Carriere

Spring 2008

 

Recently, as I lay in my acupuncturist’s office, needles up and down my spine, a thought occurred to me which I’m sure we have all had at one time or another: I wondered just how far I was willing to go to have a baby.

 

I can’t be certain, but I am able to say with a fair amount of confidence that I am prepared to go much further than I ever thought I would. Had I pictured myself years ago immobile, with needles protruding out of my body in an attempt to have a baby, I would have laughed. Had I imagined that I would create my own food group consisting of green tea, yams, Robitussin and the occasional baby aspirin, I would have shook my head in disbelief. But now it’s all part of a day’s work.

 

I know women who have endured far more than I including surgical procedures, body altering drugs, painful poking and prodding. Some have taken second mortgages on their homes to pay for treatment while still others found that they could barely cope with the sadness of infertility and its related consequences.

 

Many factors determine how long we keep trying. One is our finances and another, of course, is our mental health, particularly as it relates to our endurance. Many of us push both of these to the absolute limit.

 

When we started having problems conceiving, I did a lot of soul searching. I realized how important a family was to both of us. I knew then that I would go as far as I needed to and what’s more I realized that the end result was far more important than what I had to do to get there. If I could make our dreams come true, I would be there… with bells on.

 

Most recently it dawned on me that I had lost sight of what was most important. Baby-making had become my number one priority. I was willing to go to any length to get pregnant, and pay any price as well. But had I sacrificed one thing for another? The reason I wanted to start a family in the first place was because of our love for, and commitment to, each other.

 

I thought about the days before we decided to start trying, when having a baby was a celebration of our love and not a goal to pursue. At that time I would have done anything to make my marriage the best it could be.

 

Any crisis strains a relationship. Our first year of infertility was tough on us and we dealt with it so differently. While I was stressed about trying, and trying harder the next time, my husband had not yet accepted that there was a problem, let alone taken any steps to resolve it. Telling me to relax and not to worry did nothing for our relationship and my perception of him not caring enough created some very real tension. It was draining enough “trying” for months on end, and the added pressure did little to add intimacy to our relationship.

 

The “infertility experience” has been a roller coaster ride. We’ve spent months talking about one choice, only to find a better one and we’ve talked about our different options over and over again. After awhile, on the same page or not, we’d end up right back where we started, tired and broken.

 

Now, add to this the well meaning advice of others. Not only did it cause unintentional hurt, it made us forget what we had already worked through together. We forgot that we were on the same team. As the anxiety and stress mounted, something had to give and when the floodgates opened, I tried to remember that we would be okay.

 

It was at this time that I had a moment of clarity; I realized that my relationship with my husband was what was most important to me. He was my best friend - the one I promised to spend the rest of my life with, for better or for worse. Infertility has caused us to doubt ourselves and our choices. We’ve misunderstood each other and made unfair assumptions. It has truly been a growing experience. I’ve learned that in order to experience all the joy and love from a child in our lives, we need to be confident in ourselves and each other.

 

If my husband is not comfortable with a decision or choice, I plan to support him. It may not be easy, but I will stand by him because I feel that it is the right thing to do. When I’m overwhelmed, I’m going to look inside to find the answers. I will remember our beginnings and remind myself why I am fighting for this dream in the first place. I’ll remind myself of my first priority which is to keep my marriage strong.

 

Once I have my priorities straight, the rest will fall into place. At the end of the day, regardless of how it all works out, we will still have each other – to me, that’s what is most important.

 

Carrie and her husband are experiencing "male factor infertility" and are currently undergoing fertility treatments. Carrie is the contact for the Edmonton IAAC support group and believes that infertility is something you should not have to go through alone. Carrie works in the bio-detection field as a Project Manager and lives by Edmonton with her husband and little dog Denali. Carrie can be contacted at Carrie.iaac@gmail.com.