Reality Check

 

“Twins! Such a blessing!” was the constant cry when I was pregnant with Alex and Simon, our now four-year-old monozygotic twin boys.  “More of a nightmare,” was how we saw it at the time, between the anticipated financial burden and the considerably higher-risk pregnancy. But, of course, strangers would see twins as a blessing, for indeed, twins, triplets and higher-order multiples immediately bring to mind the media images we imagine they will resemble: cute, matching little darlings. (I have yet to see a movie or news report that shows the all-too-real drama of two or more screaming babies at 2:30 a.m., when their sleep-deprived parents are ready to pull their hair out!) Are twins—or any multiples—really a blessing? Or is the latest craze of planning an “instant family” a misguided attempt at acquiring an illusion? Obviously, spontaneously conceived multiples are an unexpected reality faced by many parents, but for those who have some decision-making opportunities in the course of their fertility treatments, let’s consider some of the claims and corresponding facts.

 

Many would-be parents of multiples, or POMs, as they are affectionately known in the multiple birth community, think that twins are “easy,” because they are always at the same developmental stage. Unlike differently-aged singleton siblings, who often need to be chauffeured around town for various conflicting events, twins can play on the same soccer team, go to the same music class and be dropped at the same birthday parties. Or can they? While there is some truth to the claim that in the long run, having same-aged children has its benefits (no need to hide the Lego for fear of a younger sibling choking on a small piece, for example), the early years can prove overwhelming. Having children at the same developmental stage means that you have two (or more) babies demanding to be fed simultaneously, two (or more) toddlers running in opposite directions, two (or more) preschoolers asking “why?” simultaneously and incessantly. 

 

Oh, how I covet the helpfulness of the older sibling. I clearly remember the summer my boys were 18 months old. They were walking (sort of), and I was on my own at home with them when I decided I had to have a decent blender immediately. I was sick of our cheap model’s inability to properly crush ice, which I desperately needed for drinks (how twins lead to drinking may be the topic of a future article). So I decided to brave the shopping mall on my own with two toddlers. I called ahead to the store in question, and explained that I was coming in on my own with two toddlers who were liable to run in opposite directions, so could they please have the blender ready and rung up at the checkout so that I could pay immediately upon my arrival and leave quickly, before the boys broke something. The store was very obliging, and I was in and out in about three minutes. 

 

It wasn’t until I had herded my two unruly charges to the door of the mall, trying to manage the giant blender-bag in my arms, that I realized I was going to be in trouble when I hit the parking lot. Even if I was able to secure the large bag with one hand in order to hold one of my toddler’s hands with the other, I was still one hand short for the other toddler! I called a meeting of the troops and got down to their level to explain that I would be holding Simon’s hand and that Alex needed to hold Simon’s other hand and NOT LET GO until we reached the car. We moved quickly across the crowded parking lot, my ice-crushing blender, my two boys and I, and we made it alive, but the safety factor when out and about with multiples had not occurred to me until that moment!

 

As they grow, it is true that most multiples are more or less at the same developmental stage.  But research on healthy self-image shows it is important for each co-twin to develop his or her own interests and abilities. This often results in parents driving around to different activities after all! And for those occasions where you want to enroll them together, multiple spots in the same class may not always be available. Does one get to go while the other stays home? Or do you deprive both or all children of the activity? These are the sorts of ethical dilemmas POMs face daily.

 

The fun begins almost as soon as you become pregnant with more than one. Due to the increased hormone levels of a multiples pregnancy, many women experience considerably more morning sickness than a woman carrying a singleton. Being pregnant with twins or more also forces one to slow down much sooner than one might with just one baby in the belly. Many women, myself included, discover they are carrying twins and figure they’ll just plow ahead to 34 weeks or more, only to discover the constant need to pee, to put up one’s feet, to sleep, rest, etc, etc, begins much, much sooner. The medical risks of a twin pregnancy are well documented. The higher the number of babies, the greater the risks, so much so that many women carrying triplets or more are counseled on multi-fetal reduction – a nice, sterile term that basically means aborting one or more babies. Imagine the emotional burden of having to consider such an ethical dilemma in order to increase the chances of survival for yourself and the remaining baby or babies.

 

Once you’ve survived the multiple pregnancy and birth experience, know that the risk for postpartum mood disorders is also much higher – seven times higher, according to some researchers – in mothers of multiples. This applies to dads of twins, too; the higher incidence may be linked to the extreme sleep deprivation experienced by many POMs in the early months. 

 

If you are lucky enough to be blessed with two (or more) healthy, “term” babies, and manage to avoid or survive postpartum mood disorder, the next hurdle could be saving your marriage! A recent survey conducted by Multiple Births Canada on the topic of multiples and their effect on the marital relationship revealed grave effects: although almost 90% of respondents had been married four to seven years or longer, and reported having a strong marital relationship before pregnancy, over a third of the couples surveyed described their relationship as having gotten worse or much worse by the end of the first year with multiples.

 

Even those couples who had taken some kind of prenatal course together (only 23% of respondents were lucky enough to find a multiples-specific class) found that their classes did not address the impact twins would have on their marriage, or did so only vaguely. The major factors impacting the marital relationship seem to be sleep deprivation and extreme lack of time, resulting in complete and prolonged loss of sex drive, inability to communicate effectively regarding parenting or household management decisions, lack of opportunity to focus at all on the marital relationship (babysitters for two or more babies are hard to find and trust!) and just managing stress in general.

 

As one respondent noted: “Since we have had the boys, this is the first time that the ‘divorce’ word has ever come up.  The combination of sleep deprivation, stress, and not having enough ‘twin support’ is extremely taxing. Friends with singletons do not understand."

 

Then, there is the huge financial burden of raising two or more children simultaneously. First it’s the diapers: even if you use the more cost-effective and environmentally sound cloth option, you have to buy multiple sets, since there are no hand-me-downs. (The no hand-me-down rule applies to clothing throughout childhood, too, since the kids are the same age, and typically, the same size.) Then comes child care: when you have singletons, you get one year off work for each baby. However, when these babies arrive simultaneously, you only get one year off collectively. Moms and dads returning to work can expect to give at least half their pay cheque to their child care provider. Most daycares charge at least $35 per day, or about $800 per month per child. And this is after a year of formula expenses, if you’ve not been fortunate enough to exclusively breastfeed your multiples! Once the twins are in school, and you’ve begun to pay down your maxed-out line of credit, you can look forward to simultaneous tuition charges as two or more head off to college or university at the same time.

 

Apart from the financial and medical burdens, just managing with twins, especially when they are young, can be quite wearing. My stomach still churns when I hear a newborn cry – post-traumatic stress disorder, I’ve been told, from the early months, when I’d be feeding one baby and hoping desperately that the other wouldn’t wake up for his feed before the first one was finished. (Of course, such bliss rarely occurred, and I often found myself with two screaming babies on my hands.)

 

As they grow older, I still find it to be rather a challenge to give each twin the time and attention he needs. Because they are always two and always have been two, Alex and Simon have both learned to speak loud and fast. This results in my giving neither my complete attention while I attempt to listen and respond to both (I have noticed the same ADD-like symptoms with my husband when he interacts with them). On those occasions when we each have a boy to ourselves (Trevor and I try to orchestrate such weekends at least twice a year), and I have just one little boy on my lap listening to a story without the constant interruption of his twin, I get a rare glimpse of what life with singletons must be like. How lovely, to truly enjoy a quiet moment with one child at a time!

 

All of this negativity may sound as though I am unappreciative of my children. Do I love my Alex and Simon? Of course I do! All those pre-natal commentators on my belly were right: they certainly are a blessing. That being said, I would give a lot to have had them one at a time, so that I could have had the opportunity to get to know each of my children better sooner, and have given them each the attention they deserve when they need it most. 

 

Many couples struggling with fertility issues so desperately want a family that they often overlook the medical, emotional and social risks of bringing two or more babies into the world simultaneously. This is why the FIGO Committee for the Ethical Aspects of Human Reproduction and Women’s Health recently advised clinicians to “take professional responsibility for optimizing their own practices in the interest of avoiding multiple births.”¹ This plea is based on very real statistics, and on experiences from POMs themselves. As much as we love our “grouped” children, many of us wish we could have had more time with each child while they were young and needy, since each and every baby is indeed a blessing to be loved and enjoyed. 

 

 

About the author

Vera C. Teschow is a certified teacher and the mother of four-year-old Alex and Simon, who started kindergarten this past fall. She volunteers with Multiple Births Canada’s Health and Education Committee, and also runs "Get It Together!", a pre- and post-natal consulting service for families with multiples. In her “spare time,” she teaches with the pre-service program at Tyndale University’s Department of Education. Visit Vera online at www.verateschow.com