Patient's Perspective - The Surrogacy Debate b Kara DeRose (Fall 2011)

PATIENT’S PERSPECTIVE
by Kara DeRose
Fall 2011

“A child has an innate need to know his or her mother.” I have been struggling back and forth lately. Back and forth. Is it the right decision for us to entertain the idea of surrogacy? Should we really leave ourselves open to a new round of possible disappointments? Have the last six years of tests, treatments and failures brought us to this, and is this ultimately the route we were destined to take?

Will we take this journey and have our dreams come true? Or, will we find that the end of this road is actually the ultimate end of the biological route for us? Regardless of how this turns out I can’t help but wonder what it will be like if it does work out and someone – someone I love and trust and who is our best friend in the world – offers to carry our baby? Will I just feel overjoyed that at last our baby is on the way? Or will I feel left out, unable to experience the baby’s moves or kicks, unable to put my hand on my stomach and just know that our baby is there... “A child has an innate need to know his or her mother.”

Our child, provided our surrogate becomes pregnant, will know only our surrogate for nine whole months. The baby will not feel me or feel my love. Will the bond be there? I worry that this child we so desperately want might not know of my undying love. Then the light bulb comes on and I realize that my role would at first be more like that of an expectant dad. A little apart from the real action, but nevertheless just like a real dad – it couldn’t be our baby without me. Babies know their daddies and that bond is immediate even though they do not carry them. And though I am not the one who can physically carry my baby, I hope our child will know that I carried him/her virtually every step of the way.

Our surrogate is a beautiful mother of two. She has changed our lives by offering this blessing to us. On top of all that she literally sees her bringing this child into our world as a gift. She wants nothing in return. How blessed am I to know her and her husband? How unbelievable will it be if this becomes our final fertility journey and we get to share our happiness with our best friends? This experience is overwhelming and undeniably the most exciting and frightening thing I have ever done.

Mother’s Day recently passed. It’s a hard day for many in the infertile community. Having a mom like mine makes it a little easier though. My mom sent a Mother’s Day card to our surrogate’s mom and our surrogate’s husband’s mom as well. The cards simply thanked them for bringing their children into the world and for raising such loving and giving people. I really feel I belong to a beautiful circle of moms... can you imagine? A thank you written from my mom to our surrogates' moms thanking them for the woman who will hopefully help me to also become a mom. All I can say is WOW! How lucky am I? My mom and I are close; we push each other when we need to, she loves me unconditionally and even when she doesn’t understand me (which isn’t often) she tries. Hasn’t she always said to me, “There is nothing you could do that would make me not love you”. I grew up knowing that even if I made mistakes or was disrespectful or messed up royally, as teenage girls can do, I was still loved and could always start anew and try to do better. And that my mom, the mom I know and love, would be there for me. Realizing that surrogacy is our last best chance to have our biological child, as well as coming to terms with how my role might work out, brought me a new sense of peace. If it is meant to be, it will be. And if it isn’t, I will know I did try everything and I will have no regrets.

I do not want to leave out my dad because Father’s Day falls a few days after the deadline for this article. My dad and I once had a conversation about how sad I was. He said that I had a good “mask” on so that most people would never guess how I really felt, but because he knew me so well he could see how broken I was. Before I was born, my parents lost my brother Jason to an illness when he was a toddler. I asked my dad what got him through it. I know the love and strength of my mother would have helped a great deal, but he surprised me when he honestly answered, “I got through it thanks to you.” My parents found out they were expecting me not long after my brother passed away. I started sobbing and said, “But I don’t have a “me” to help me through this”. My dad very quietly said, “I know, sweetheart, but you will”. My dad is an extremely smart man and he is always right – we bought him a shirt that says so. That conversation comes back to me often and offers me comfort. I believe his words when I am not paralyzed by all my fears, and it inspires me to know that when my father was hurting so much I was able to give him the solace that he and my mom needed. My brothers, my sister-in-law, my husband and myself ... we hit the jackpot being born into, and marrying into, this amazing family. I hope that one day our kids will feel the same.

Our surrogacy journey is about to officially begin – we are about 40 days away from retrieval and transfer. 40 days away from what could change the rest of our life. I am praying. I am wishing on every star I see. I am on my knees begging for this to work.