Patient's Perspective

by Carrie Carriere

Winter 2008

 

No doubt, with Christmas fast approaching, we find ourselves in a whirlwind of activities and emotions. Last minute shopping and get-togethers with friends and family – there’s a lot to plan and do. It can be hard to remember to slow down and look after ourselves during the holidays, although sometimes it’s easier to keep ourselves busy and our thoughts turned off.

 

Christmas can be a time of year that is very difficult when dealing with infertility. There are family events, possibly with little ones running rampant, and visits with not-so-close family members who may not be aware of the difficulties we are faced with. They ask the questions that really make us cringe. “When are you having babies?” “By now I’d have thought there’d be a little carbon copy of my nephew running around.” “Are you sure your marriage is okay?” I’m sure we all have a built-in response to some of these questions, and then there are the responses we’d love to give, but don’t.

 

There have been holidays when I couldn’t bear to face this sort of thing. It was just too hard on me at that time, and I don’t feel guilty about skipping out. It was not a selfish tactic, but again, one to preserve the sanity that I still had. I didn’t want to walk around with tears in my eyes all day; that would really make my relatives wonder. So, to protect their enjoyment of the holiday, and hopefully mine, I ran away. Funny thing is, no matter where I ran, my problems seemed to follow me. 

 

Finally, I realized that it came down to a choice: either spend the entire Christmas season locked up in my room with no outside contact, or face my demons. The question was, how could I really enjoy Christmas if I had forgotten its true meaning? I had spent so long thinking about getting pregnant, trying to get pregnant and noticing others who were pregnant, I forgot to notice the really important things.

 

My mother bought me a necklace that I have worn around my neck through my hardest times. It has a saying on it that really touches my heart. “Every day matters. Measure not the milestones, but the moments.” Isn’t that what Christmas is about? It’s not about how far we’ve come since last time we got together, or where we’re going next. It’s about enjoying all those little things we often overlook, like noticing the stars on a clear, snow- covered night, or the silence of just you and your spouse breathing as you take it all in.

 

Perhaps it’s the look of gratitude from a stranger on the street when you take just a little more time to be kind. Or the hope you give someone by just being a friend. Maybe it’s the sparkle in your nephew’s eyes as he opens his Christmas gift from you. He may not understand how you’re feeling or that it may have hurt just to buy him the gift, but you will certainly know you are loved, if you look hard enough.

 

I’ve come to realize that for me, Christmas is about others. It’s about wishing for peace, hope and love. I think we all have searched for peace, and we all have hoped beyond measure. If we can focus on love, then hope and peace will follow. We might just touch someone else’s life in the process.

 

This is the fourth Christmas since my husband and I started trying. Finally, after all these years, we have a little bundle of joy on the way. It hasn’t been an easy road to get here, but it makes it all the sweeter. I tell you this to give you hope. 

 

It took all this time for me to understand that finding peace with my circumstances and holding on to hope when all else seemed to fail didn’t come from within, but by reaching out. When my life seemed to barrel out of control, the one thing I had a say in was how I treated others. When I took the time to really look inside their lives, to really listen to what they were saying, I realized that they had demons too – just different ones. 

 

For me, this Christmas is going to be a fantastic one. Not just because we are expecting a little one, but because of all the exciting things I plan to do this year. I want to be a secret Santa. I want to take my nieces skating. I would love it if I could get a group together to go caroling, and a moonlight stroll with my husband isn’t out of the question either. I want to spend an afternoon baking cookies with my mom (without eating all the cookie dough) and have afternoon tea with my grandmother. I want more of the moments that I can’t get back once they’re spent, and more memories that will carry me through even the toughest times. 

 

Now that’s my Christmas… what about yours?