The Patient's Perspective

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I wish these words came out of my mouth, but they didn’t.

Recently, my younger brother and his wife announced the first pregnancy in my family. It was a day I knew would eventually come, but could not possibly prepare for. Being the older sister, it seemed logical that I have a baby first and be the one to share this miraculous news. I was hoping to be the one to see the look on my parents’ faces as they learned they were going to be grandparents for the first time.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled for my brother and his wife; however, I have to acknowledge and process this newly stirred-up pain. Otherwise, burying these emotions will only make things worse for my health. I had a minor meltdown at first, but after a few days, I knew that I needed to find peace with this news.

Since none of my siblings had had babies yet, my immediate family was my “safe zone,” a place where I knew I wouldn’t have to stare infertility in the face. A place where I wouldn’t be reminded of what I lost over and over again in my repeated trials to become pregnant. Now, this has changed.

For those of us experiencing difficulties conceiving, it can be overwhelming when we are constantly bombarded with pregnancy announcements everywhere – magazines, entertainment television shows, radio, newspapers, etc. We try to ignore or avoid the “in-your-face” news that makes pregnancy look so darn easy. This new baby in my family will take away the previous adult-oriented get-togethers and will become more child-centred. This will be a part of my infertility journey that I haven’t yet had to face.

I can’t help but have some fears of what this new chapter will look like. How will I react when the baby is born and we all go to the hospital to see my brother, his wife and my future niece or nephew? Will I want to hold the baby? Will I fall apart?

Yes, in the past, I’ve claimed that “I’ve moved on…” Yet, there’s always a small piece of my heart that yearns for that dream, especially when those closest to you experience one of your deepest desires. You can’t help but cry out: “It’s just not fair!” How can they get pregnant with just ONE try and we have struggled for TEN YEARS!

I know other current and former patients reading this will relate to the frustration. We are surrounded by friends and family who announce they are pregnant and make it seem as easy as going to Safeway to buy some bread. Over the years, I have put on a brave face to courageously congratulate them. It seemed a little easier with extended family and friends than with my own little brother. The new addition to our family will be a huge change, but a blessing as well.

I feel better knowing that I’m not alone in experiencing this. You are not the only ones feeling like you’re being selfish and self-centred when you hear similar news. It’s okay to feel down and out, but what is more important is letting those close to you know that you feel sad for hearing the announcement, for it is just another reminder of what you haven’t been able to experience.

After years of dealing with the highs and lows associated with infertility, I’ve learned that you must be prepared for the lows. Having a fantastic husband to hold me when I was in tears and tell me I was entitled to feel this pain made all the difference in the world. I found a new sense of compassion in my mother that I didn’t expect. My sister acknowledged my situation and was sensitive to my feelings on the news as well. This acknowledgment of my pain from those closest to me helped me process this temporary grief. I know that I can count on their support as my sister-in-law’s belly grows in the coming months.

On the positive side, I do look forward to experiencing what it might be like to be a parent through my brother and sister-in-law’s soon-to-be addition to the family. I guess I’m going to have to learn to change a diaper now!

In closing, I pray that God gives us all courage for the long haul, and the strength for each day’s journey.