PATIENT’S PERSPECTIVE FINALLY, A SIGN… by Kara DeRose - SPRING 2011

PATIENT’S PERSPECTIVE

FINALLY, A SIGN…

by Kara DeRose

I look down and feel utter joy, incredible relief in contemplating the swollen belly. I rub my hand across my stomach, still in disbelief. I look down again, rest my arm on my bump in the quintessential pregnant pose. It feels so true, I feel so blessed. I relax and allow myself to dream... and then I wake up.

In that half-dream state I still think it might really be true, but when I reach down to feel the baby… there is nothing. Fully awake now, I realize my joy was just a dream. I am crushed, tired, exhausted. No, is there a word for a state beyond exhaustion? If there is, then that is where I am. I say I’m okay, I walk around smiling but people know that I am hurting.
Pieces of me melt away with every breath I take. My shame is long gone – internal ultrasounds every second day for two weeks will do that to you real quick. I had always been optimistic and thought if I worked hard enough I could do or be anything. I can’t say that about myself anymore. I have had to become realistic and admit that there are things I can’t do and that hard work or perseverance is not always rewarded with success. The piece of me that believes in medicine – gone. The piece of me that trusts my instincts – shattered along with the piece of me that believes in the law of averages. My faith in a higher power is severely shaken. I mean, severely.

All those pieces of me which are gone or broken leave me doubtful and unable to still have trust in myself, because the person I was isn't the person I am now. I feel overwhelmed, with no one to turn to and nowhere to go. I mentioned in my last article that I needed a sign because I felt in my heart and bones that I couldn't go on like this.

More and more I sense that Nathan and I are that couple – the couple no one mentions or, if so, in sad, hushed tones. You know which couple I mean: the one without the miraculous success story. There are so many “myths” in the infertility world. The couple who couldn't get pregnant, finally chose a fertility doctor and when their blood was tested... POOF, they were pregnant. Yep, I know that couple – made them a baby blanket even. There’s the couple that literally ovulates once a year and had to go for an unrelated ultrasound and the technician says: “Oh, there’s your baby!” – yes, I know that couple, we are very good friends. And the couple who worried, got pregnant only to miscarry and then almost immediately got pregnant again. We know them too – I planned the baby shower for their beautiful little boy. Finally the couple who, after years of trying, gave up, had too many drinks one night and ended up pregnant. We know a few of those. However, none of these things seem to happen to Nathan and myself; we don’t get the happy ending. Indeed, we are that couple. Nothing wrong, just not gonna happen in this lifetime…

These thoughts led me to ask for a sign which would suggest which way we should go because I am not capable of making a decision this momentous… and then I met Julio. It was a cold, rainy day but the rain was gentle, more like a mist. This kind of weather always leaves me unsettled. I was visiting my parents’ home, making breakfast one morning while my husband helped my dad and my brother fix the eaves troughs on the house, when I heard my Dad say, “Oh no”.

I ran out the door and saw my dad crouched down looking at the ground. I came over and saw the tiniest baby mouse I had ever seen in my life. He had little pink ears and was no bigger than the tip of my thumb from head to tail. He was barely crawling but didn't seem to be scared of us at all. Looking down at this baby mouse all alone and cold, I fell head over heels in love. Where could his mother be? My parents said they had seen a dead mouse by the shed and maybe that was his mom. Then I made the mistake of naming him. I named him Julio and called my husband over to see how cute he was, already planning how to save him. “Can we take him to a pet store?” I asked. “Nope” my brother and husband said in unison, “they will feed him to a snake”. I was horrified at the thought. “Okay, how about the humane society?” They both shook their heads and my brother said they won’t take rodents. As ridiculous as this was, I was offended that he would call sweet little Julio a rodent. “Fine, can we take him home?” Now grasping at straws my husband wavered when I looked up at him and finally said, “Sweetheart, he’s too little, we can’t feed him and we have a cat”. I knew all of this but I still wanted to do something to save him but… but… I thought again… There has to be something… But there was nothing I could do. Nothing. All we could do was move him from the driveway to the bushes and hope he survived. My husband and brother both knew I was upset so they said, “Its okay, you have to let him go.”

I nodded and looked back at Julio one last time, walked back into the house and sat down to eat my breakfast. I then proceeded bawling into my eggs. My mom looked up and said, “Honey, is this about Julio or something else?” It was then that the tidal wave washed over me... I cried until I couldn't cry anymore, and for the very first time I said right out loud, “I don’t think I will ever have a biological child”... and all of a sudden I felt a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

Julio was just a tiny mouse, but he was my sign. I fell in love with him in a matter of seconds. I wanted to feed him and love him and give him a home where he would be safe and warm; and if I could do that with a baby mouse I could do that with a child as well. It was falling in love with Julio that helped my husband and I come to the decision that we are going to be parents – we are going to feed and care for a child. We will give a child a warm place he can call home and where he can be safe, and we will give him a family of his very own where he will find love. This child will be an adopted child who is meant just for us. Conceived in someone else's womb but also in Nathan’s and my heart.

We will be parents. Yes we will. We aren’t saying we will never have a biological child, we are saying that right now this is how our family is going to get started. Giving up on the infertility treatments hurt and healed all at the same time. We will have a family, we will hear the pitter patter of little feet. Our dreams have shifted, our expectations have changed, but the goal is the same: to share our life, our love and our laughter with our child. We can’t wait for it all to begin.