PATIENT’S PERSPECTIVE THE “NOTHING” by Kara DeRose - SUMMER 2011

PATIENT’S PERSPECTIVE

THE “NOTHING”

by Kara DeRose

My last article talked about what I thought was my sign. Nathan and I really felt we had been given a sign to adopt. Since then a miracle happened; we became pregnant naturally. We were shocked as we thought we were never meant to have a biological child and had made the decision to adopt. We jumped through all of the adoption hoops. One of the things we had to go through was finger printing. We had appointments and so we walked into our Regional Police Department and sat down in the lobby waiting for our turn. As we were waiting another couple walked in and sat down close to us. I went in and had my fingerprints taken and upon coming out the same lady who took mine called my husband in. The other man in the waiting room stood up as I took my seat and said, “I think I am supposed to be next, I had an appointment.” The lady calmly told him that there are two rooms for finger prints. So he sat down, looked me up and down and said, “I guess yours aren’t criminal are they?” I laughed and said, “No, adoption”. I then had to endure a conversation that went something like this.

Criminal – “So what’s wrong with you?”

Me – “Hum, nothing. We are both healthy. It just isn’t working.”

Criminal – You can have a couple of mine, I have, like, six at home.”

Me – “I bet you do.”

Criminal – “I mean, it’s all good though; my kids are with me, they haven’t been taken away or anything.”

Me – “Yeah, that’s great as you go in for criminal finger printing.” (heavy sarcasm here)

I remember walking out of there so defeated. That guy has kids ……that guy.

By Christmas we had a paper in our hand saying that we had been recommended to the government by our adoption practitioner to adopt a baby. Now we just had to find one. We knew we were in for a wait and we were okay with that.

Now I am going to fast-forward to the end of January. I missed a cycle, which isn’t terribly unusual for me, but I was coming up on missing a second, so I took an online pregnancy test (OPT) just in case. I was shocked. I almost passed out – there was a very definite positive. I went to the doctor to get confirmation and, lo and behold, we were having a baby and I had been expecting almost nine weeks when we found out. A week later I started spotting at work. Went to the doctor and, sure enough, my HCG levels were coming down. I was miscarrying for the fourth time.

For 10 weeks I carried my baby, yet I only knew for one week and I think of all the things I might have done wrong. We were so sure we were meant to adopt and had set our hearts on that, and then this miracle and the dream of seeing my husband’s eyes or strawberry blonde hair in a baby made by us became a possibility again. Opening up a wound that wasn’t fully healed and ripping it even wider. We began to dream again and hope and feel. I had numbed myself to everything, I had cut off certain thoughts and emotions for so long that I was raw from the emotions that I finally allowed myself to feel. Then the baby was gone as soon as it was here....... it was gone. I have come to a realization through all of this pain. Everything works – I just can’t seem to hold on to the babies we have made. The guilt is relentless. I watched one of my all-time favorite movies the other day, “The Never-Ending Story”. We came to the part in the movie where the Rock biter is sitting staring at his hands. He is so shocked, and the grief and guilt are written all over his face. Staring at his hands, he says, “They look like big, good, strong hands, don't they? I always thought that's what they were.” He is devastated that his hands betrayed him and let go of the people he loves, and they went into the “Nothing”.

I feel the exact same way. I keep being told that I have a great uterus: no cysts, no fibroids, it isn’t tipped or tilted; it’s supposed to be great. Yet I can’t hold onto my babies. No matter what seems to happen they invariably are gone into the “Nothing”. I feel let down and betrayed by my body and the guilt is ridiculous.

“It looks like a good, strong uterus doesn’t it?” I want to ask my doctor. “I always thought that’s what it was.” Now, I know it is strange to literally identify with a puppet in a movie, but, seriously, if you watch that movie I think you will know what I mean.

It seems everywhere in so many media outlets infertility is mentioned or shown increasingly. It has become a great story line for soaps and drama series and movies. Everywhere we turn a reference is made to infertility. The exposure is good because more people understand what infertile people go through, but sometimes movies and entertainment are the outlet you choose to get away from it all. We thought we were safe when we sat down to watch Disney’s “UP”, and then infertility made an appearance. It was cleverly done, so kids might not really get it, but it wouldn’t be lost on the grown-ups. One of the movies that I really loved, which very elegantly dealt with infertility, was Julie/Julia. Julia Child's opens a letter from her sister announcing that she is expecting. She slowly sits down on the counter and starts crying as she reads the letter to her husband. As he puts his arms around her, she sobs, “I'm really very happy for her.” The obvious grief for herself, the pining for herself and yet the happiness for her sister is subtle and perfect. No overly dramatic scene – just happy for her sister, sad for herself. All the emotions hit at once and cannot be processed separately.

My husband and I have tried so hard time and again to be supportive of all the women in our lives who have told us of their pregnancies. Some were easier than others to hear because of their compassion and understanding of us.

Our hearts were mending and our arms itched to hold an adopted baby and call him our own, our dreams of creating our family seemed to be on the right track. Then the dream of a biological child reentered our world. We closed that door once and it was one of the hardest things we have ever done. Now it’s open again and closing it is that much harder.

So we have decided to look into surrogacy options as well. We never thought we would be ready to do surrogacy, we never thought that we would exhaust the treatments available to us. We never thought that six years would pass and our nursery would still be empty and our eggs would be spent trying to add little chicks to our nest. However we always knew we loved each other, we always knew we would fight for each other and for the family that is meant to be ours. We may not know what path to follow now but we will continue to lean on each other and love each other and the rest, well ....the rest will have to wait. Just like we do. The “Nothing” seems to take everything but we won’t let it take us from each other.