Patient’s Perspective

 

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year…” ~ One of the many songs played over and over again on the radio suggesting you should feel festive, but for those experiencing infertility or miscarriage, is it really the most wonderful time of the year?

 

For Christians, Christmas is a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. We are reminded of this through other songs such as “What child is this”; “A Child is born”, “Away in a manager…” just to name a few. With the focus of the season being predominately on children and on this momentous birth, it can sometimes feel very overwhelming when you cannot share in this joy. The season is a reminder that you cannot fully participate in the holiday season activities involving children.

 

For my husband and I, Christmas Eve is the anniversary of when we discovered another failed IVF cycle. We hoped that we could announce to our families that we were finally pregnant that Christmas. This was a gift that could not be purchased. Because this particular IVF cycle was kept private, so was our pain, as we didn’t want to disappoint our parents.

 

I can remember standing in church on Christmas Eve with family around, squeezing my husband’s hand to get through the service without breaking down. We had to stop at home before going over to my parents for the traditional late dinner/gift opening to have a good cry so we could try and survive the evening. The memory of that night has burned a permanent scar on my heart. A few years have passed and I still silently mourn not having any gifts under the tree for children of our own.

 

Now that I’ve shared one of our more devastating Christmases, I would like to provide you with some ideas we have used by Dr. Sara Rosenquist, psychologist, on ways to cope with the holiday season:

 

As the season unfolds, remind yourself to accept and let go. Accept that this is a time when you will feel emotional. Accept the fact that you cannot control this situation. You have to let things come when they do. You need to remind yourself that you have done everything you possibly could to this point to try and have a baby. Be kind and gentle with yourself and your partner.

 

I don’t know about you, but sometimes we think that we are the only ones feeling blue at Christmas and we stand out because we don’t have kids. What I realized is that these idealistic images of happy families are not realistic! Every family has their problems mixed with joy and stress. You must also remember that advertisers push the “holiday experience” on potential buyers for profits. Try to block out those social expectations relayed through advertising efforts to make you feel worse about not being a consumer of children’s products.

Someone once said, ”Whatever you focus on grows.” Become grateful for what is going right in your life. Researchers have proven that “a positive, optimistic attitude helps the body heal itself.”

When you have experienced repeated disappointment, it is easy to protect your heart with bitterness. You may tend to be negative and tell yourself “it will never happen” to guard yourself in case you face frustration. Again, doing this will increase the chemicals in your body associated with negative emotions. Hope is very powerful and requires the courage to face the possibility of disappointment. Keep visualizing what you hope for, as it simply may not have happened for you yet. (Maybe play the Christmas song “I saw Mommy…” and picture yourself?)

Yes, it’s OK to pamper all your senses when you experience sadness during the holidays. Soothe yourself visually by getting into your own special spirit through making your home beautiful, wrapping pretty presents, or by setting your table in a special way for guests. Soothe yourself with sound by playing your favourite music (instrumental is always nice!). Soothe yourself with smell. I love the smell of coffee, baking with cinnamon, or the scent of holiday candles. The best of all… sooth yourself with taste… easy to do with all the wonderful treats served during Christmas time! Lastly, soothe yourself with touch. This may include getting a massage, having a wonderful bubble bath, and taking the time to enjoy your spouse.

This could be the answer to helping you cope with holiday stress. Being in a new surrounding might be the key to giving you a sense of respite. You may also consider taking a break from “trying” to replenish your spirit and rekindle your love.

We all know that relatives can be tactless at times, even though their intentions are good. Having prepared “lines” ahead of time will help you deal with nosey questions or comments. If you wish to share your circumstances with those family members you feel will be supportive and understanding, that is your call. If you prefer to keep your struggles with infertility private, then you may use light-hearted lines like: “Well, we lost the instruction book” or “Babies sure are a lot of work.” I used to joke with the line: “Who needs a baby when I can be a Kitty-Mom?”

Yes, you can make a commitment to live life fully even during the holiday season. Allow yourself to slow down, accept your emotions, accept your partner, cultivate patience, trust yourself, keep your heart open, and most importantly believe in your dream.

Focus on the spirit of giving rather than on the family you don’t have yet. Research shows that if you want to feel good, do something for those less fortunate. Feeding homeless people and giving to charities are both powerful ways to recapture the meaning of Christmas.

 

If you wish to feel good about giving this Christmas, I ask you to please consider supporting the Infertility Awareness Association of Canada (IAAC) by becoming a member. Your support is highly encouraged so IAAC may continue to provide the 1 in 6 couples in Canada with the much-needed support. As a patient, I urge you to take a pro-active role in becoming a member so that you may also benefit from the excellent work IAAC does to represent us both nationally and provincially.

 

Thus far, patients have taken this service for granted but together we can help IAAC provide continued support and information to all of us who need it.

 

If you visit our web site at www.iaac.ca you can become a member for only $28.90 annually. This will give you the quarterly magazine Creating Families, the support and information provided at your local support group meetings, a toll-free support phone line, and any information you need to help you during your journey with infertility. You will also receive a tax-deductible receipt.

 

With a minimum donation of $25. IAAC will send you a uniquely designed colour-changing Candle of Hope. Perhaps you can encourage your friends and family to order one through the IAAC web site for a Christmas gift or a stocking stuffer!

 

In closing, I hope you don’t have a “Blue Christmas” and that you may all have sunshine in your lives ~ for warmth, for illumination, and as a bearer of hope. Merry Christmas and may all your dreams come true in 2007!