OUR GESTATIONAL SURROGACY STORY by Ann Fisher - SPRING 2011

OUR GESTATIONAL SURROGACY STORY

by Ann Fisher

I am not sure when or where I first heard about gestational surrogacy. Yet, I remember surrogacy ran through my mind while talking with my friend – let’s call her Jane – about her infertility challenges during an evening gathering of university girl friends, where we shared camaraderie and wine. As Jane spoke of her disappointment, natural treatments and medical interventions, the idea of volunteering to be a surrogate mother entered my thoughts and began to take shape..

A Genuine Offer

Four years and two beautiful daughters later, during an emotion-filled telephone call with Jane about her unrelenting and harsh infertility struggle, I nervously offered to be her gestational surrogate. I know that my offer came from within me as I felt deeply saddened for my friend and her husband. I also know that my decision to help came from something bigger than me which I cannot explain or name. Was this karma, destiny, or divine intervention? These were questions I was unable to answer, so I didn't even try.

One week after my unexpected offer Jane received the green light from her fertility doctor to try gestational surrogacy. With my husband’s support a medical screening appointment was scheduled. I was both excited and worried. What if I was not a suitable gestational surrogate? I realized immediately that if this was meant to be it would happen and I needed to trust in that.

Our contract

My friends, the intended parents, my husband Chad, and I met on a couple of occasions to review our lengthy legal document covering every issue from ethical medical practices to familial social roles to monthly pregnancy expenses. We studied the legal contract until we were satisfied and familiar with the topics, issues, and changes for our final legal copy. Most importantly, we discussed all aspects of gestational surrogacy; this brought us closer together than we thought possible. We were not only friends working together on a legal contract, we had become family supporting each other through the difficult and emotional journey of gestational surrogacy. Creating our own legal contract was invaluable.

Surrogacy Counseling

In the counselor’s office Chad and I were asked about our feelings pertaining to a third pregnancy with a child that would not be ours. We discussed our strategy for telling our daughters about this unique pregnancy, conversed about social roles, and explored ideas about rituals and family events after the pregnancy was over. We had already covered many of these topics with our friends as we created our legal contract, however it was important for Chad and I to continue our dialogue as our journey kept moving forward. The counseling session was also an important part of the screening process according to the fertility clinic professionals. As the counseling sessions came to a close, I felt this huge rush of gratitude, love, and appreciation for Chad. He was so supportive and concerned that I felt closer to him than ever. Walking out of the counseling session together and emotionally solid was a wonderful moment in our relationship.

Embryo Transfer Day

The long Easter weekend arrived after daily phone updates from Jane about her egg retrieval procedures and the number of viable embryos. She was as knowledgeable as a medical technician, and she and I were equally anxious. Chad and I packed up our daughters Keanna and Sierra and headed to our friends' city for the Easter break in anticipation of the IVF procedure that weekend. The doctor advised that the transfer was scheduled for Easter Sunday afternoon. Chad and I scouted out Easter eggs and chocolate bunnies with Keanna and Sierra before driving to the fertility clinic. The doctor suggested transferring two embryos if we were all okay with this plan. We immediately agreed, as I thought to myself, if I end up carrying twins it is meant to be.

With Chad on my right side close to my shoulder, Jane also on my right holding my arm, and her husband to my left near my other shoulder, the ultrasound monitor would allow us to watch the embryos being placed in my uterus. Now that we were all settled in the doctor was handed a petri dish by the embryologist. She had magically appeared from a side door that I had not even noticed until she was standing there, smiling. It was like an episode from Seinfeld. It made me half expect Kramer to come flying in haphazardly yelling “Happy Easter!”

The procedure began and two miniscule embryos were placed into my uterus. We watched quietly as the bluish-colored screen showed what looked like two tiny circular air bubbles at the side of my uterine lining. Chad placed his hand on my hair in a comforting motion. Jane squeezed my right arm and she started crying. In no time everyone was in tears as the procedure was completed. Hope and tears were the order of the day..

Our collaborative pregnancy

I realized that the pregnancy and delivery of our friends’ baby was totally out of their control. I therefore tried to compensate by allowing them to make decisions regarding other issues. Fortunately, we shared an understanding of the importance of healthy eating and exercise, so I abstained from alcohol, caffeine, aspartame, raw fish, hot tubs, steam rooms, and running altogether. Jane also asked me to take omega-3 supplements in the form of salmon pills, in addition to the folic acid and maternity pills, which was fine with me. I was constantly aware of how important this baby was for my friends, and often thought I needed a red flashing sign on my forehead or a bright yellow shirt that read Caution: precious cargo. I made sure to exercise regularly and I found myself even more anxious carrying their child than I was with my own daughters’ pregnancies! This surprised me.

A Group Delivery

We arrived at the hospital in the middle of a blustery, snowy night and the nurses checked the four of us into our birthing room. After check-in my water broke abruptly. I went into sheer panic because this meant the baby was coming NOW! The urge to push out the baby was merely seconds away. In a heightened state of distress, I told nurse Jill the baby was coming right now and she focused her attention on me while quietly encouraging me to breathe. Chad was on my left side holding my hand and speaking to me in a soothing voice. Jane was to my right waiting and watching with what I perceived as a stressful, almost pained, expression on her face.

As predicted, the urge to push was overwhelming and I let the nurse know it was time for me to start pushing. Without hesitation, she looked right at me and talked me through two big pushes… and the baby was out. A beautiful eight-pound two-ounce baby girl! Jane’s husband cut the umbilical cord as planned and the nurse suctioned out the baby’s nose, taking her over to the baby cart to be weighed and measured before giving her to my friend for nursing. Jane had been taking medication and pumping breast milk for three weeks by the time their baby girl was born. She stored the milk by freezing it in glass bottles awaiting baby's arrival. In the busy delivery room, Jane breastfed her baby girl for the first time as Chad and I watched in awe. The birthing experience was so amazing, it filled me with a sense of wonderment that is hard to describe. Watching our friends tenderly gazing at their baby gave me a huge sense of fulfillment, satisfaction and love that most people cannot understand. It was similar to the delivery of my own daughters, yet different, since after this baby was born my responsibility ended. Our gestational surrogacy journey had reached its happy ending.

The cousins meet

Keanna and Sierra watched out the window for our friends and the newborn baby to arrive. My girls were ecstatic when their baby cousin pulled into our driveway. I asked them to be quiet so that they would not scare their cousin. Keanna and Sierra proudly held the baby one at a time and we took lots of pictures. I absolutely loved seeing my daughters with their cousin. They were so interested, tender and possessive of her. I was amazed how the baby held their attention for the duration of her visit. I felt content when we were all together that evening. It was the most amazing moment for me, seeing my daughters so loving, gentle and connected to their cousin the first time they met her. I was so proud of Keanna and Sierra. I loved all three of them so much I started to cry. No, cry is an understatement, in fact I sobbed uncontrollably. I actually left the room for a few moments because I was so raw with emotion. Even as I write this three and a half years after my niece was born, there is a rush of emotion and a stream of tears. This profound experience is vivid and shall forever remain in my memory.

Our families remained connected after our gestational surrogacy journey and I cherish the opportunities to visit with our friends and watch my niece grow. My favorite moments are seeing Keanna, Sierra, and their cousin play together now that they are older. I am truly grateful for the unique experience which gestational surrogacy brought into my life. Clearly, it was meant to be...

About the author
Ann Fisher, BA,CYC, is currently completing her Masters in Child and Youth Care at the University of Victoria, conducting research with gestational surrogates. On education leave from her full-time position as a Child Protection Worker, Ann is also completing her registered counseling certificate to venture into surrogacy counseling. She lives in Richmond with her supportive husband and two daughters and loves to visit her gestational niece whenever possible. Ann can be contacted at fisheram@telus.net.