Navigating a Successful Open Adoption

Jodi McIsaac Martens

Winter 2008

 

Four-year-old Anderson sits on the sofa in the cozy house in Mississauga he lives in with his parents and 1-year-old sister. He is looking through a scrapbook filled with photos, cards and letters. He flips to the front of the book and points at a photo of a smiling young woman in the later stages of pregnancy. “That’s my tummy mummy,” he says, then laughs at the rhyme. He continues to turn the pages, glancing over photos of him in the hospital as a baby, photos of the young woman – one in a wedding dress – and a few photos of the two of them together.

With a little prompting, Anderson explains that the photos are of his birth mother, Tricia. When asked what a birth mother is, he answers, “She loves me and I was born from her. Sometimes she comes and visits me.”

 

Watching him, his mother Paula beams. It is clear that this is not an awkward subject of conversation for her at all – or for him, for that matter. Even at four, Anderson knows about his adoption and has met his birth mother. Tricia sends him letters, gifts and e-mails and about once a year flies from her home in Calgary to visit him. His adoptive parents, Paula and Jim, send Tricia letters and photos every few months and e-mail her with any major developments, like the time he had his picture in the community newspaper.

 

“It’s really an amazing relationship,” Paula says. “It feels very easy, very natural. I can’t imagine trying to hide any of this from him – or not being able to answer his questions. Tricia is part of his life – and it’s been good for everyone.”

 

Anderson and his family are part of an open adoption. Open adoptions, in which the birth parents and adoptive parents know each other’s identities and have some sort of ongoing relationship, are a relatively new trend in Canada, only a few decades old. They started becoming increasingly common in the ‘80s and ‘90s, and have now virtually eclipsed the “traditional” form of closed adoptions, in which everyone’s identities were shrouded in mystery.

 

Lawrence Morton, the founder and director of CanadaAdopts! and an adoptive parent himself, says part of the reason for this growing trend towards open adoptions is the shift in society towards more openness in general. “Societal attitudes have changed towards adoption,” he adds. “There is greater understanding and awareness of what it’s all about, and much more openness to discuss adoption without the social stigma.”

 

Lorne Welwood, from Hope Adoption Services in Abbotsford, BC, says his agency hasn’t done a closed adoption in years. “It’s not an experiment anymore,” he says. “Open adoptions have become the norm.” He points out that the concept of a closed adoption is, historically speaking, a relatively new phenomena. “Historically, adoptions were always open. It was only in the twentieth century that someone got the idea that hiding identities protected everyone.” The recent shift back towards open adoptions, he says, is a result of adult adoptees wanting to solve the mystery of their own adoptions – and birth parents wanting to know what has happened to their child.

 

The term “open adoption” covers a wide range of relationships. In some cases, known as “semi-open,” only first names are known and letters and pictures are exchanged through the adoption agency. However, Welwood says, in most cases the adoptive and birth parents prefer to take things into their own hands, setting their own expectations and boundaries for information-sharing and personal contact.

 

One of the lures of open adoption for birth parents is that they are able to have a say in choosing their child’s adoptive parents. Sara, a birth mother in Vancouver, was able to choose the adoptive parents for her daughter from a half-dozen profiles provided to her by the agency she was working with. “It was really quite a detailed process,” she says. She and the birth father filled out form after form detailing their family and medical history as well as their personality traits and their “ideal traits” for an adoptive family. “I knew I wanted a family who was outdoorsy, who had other children, and who were well-educated,” she said. So the agency presented her with profiles of six they felt matched her personality and her “wish list.” From these profiles Sara found Lisa and Raymond. “They were a perfect match – the exact couple I wanted to raise my child,” she says. “If I hadn’t been able to go through that process and know who I was trusting my child with, I don’t think I could have done it. There’s no way I would have been able to place her for adoption if that meant I would never hear from – or about – her again.”

 

Melanie, an adoptive parent of Seth, aged eight , says that Seth’s birth mother is almost part of their extended family, like an aunt. She often joins them for family gatherings like birthdays and Christmas, and even babysits Seth occasionally. “When we made the decision to have an open adoption, we knew we were getting more than just Seth,” she says. “At times it’s been hard to see how well he gets along with his birth mother,” she admits, “But we’ve set very clear boundaries and haven’t had any problems.”

 

Experts say that only about 10 percent of open adoptions result in a close friendship between the birth parents and adoptive parents, but even a less-open relationship involving letters and photos is beneficial for all parties involved.

 

For the birth parents, it’s confirmation that their child is happy and loved and that they made the right decision. For the child, the benefits are clear, according to Morton. “There’s a lot of research out there now that demonstrates the positive effect for the child,” he says. Even if the circumstances surrounding the adoption are difficult, it’s still better that the child knows who he is and where he came from. “The more secretive a family is, the more dysfunctional it is,” he says, noting that the more information you can provide the child, the better. And asking the tough questions about the reasons for the adoption are easier when the child knows his or her birth parents. 

 

Adoptive parents are, understandably, the ones who have the most reluctance to enter into an open adoption. There is still some apprehension and fear that if the birth parents know where their child is they will revoke their consent to the adoption. But the opposite is actually true, Welwood insists. “It is our experience that if the birth parent doesn’t know where her child is and can’t handle the grief there is more pressure to revoke consent than if they know the child is safe and in a loving family.” He notes another benefit to adoptive parents. “If you know the child’s birth parents, you’re not going to be worried about some unknown person lurking around the schoolyard waiting to snatch your child.”

 

“We were worried at first,” admits Melanie. “But Seth’s birth mom is great – she never tries to co-parent, and we all really enjoy having her as part of our lives. The most important thing, though, is that it’s the best thing for Seth, and that’s what our relationship has always been about – what’s best for him.”

 

As with any relationship, there can be complications, but with plenty of communication and clear boundaries most problems can be avoided or worked through. Welwood advises starting slow, setting conservative expectations. “Sometimes in the emotion of the pregnancy and birth things can go a bit far,” he says. “Everyone is getting along really well and says, ‘Let’s get together every week,’ or something like that. Then the reality of sleepless nights and dealing with a newborn kicks in and the adoptive parents feel like they need some more space.”

 

This is what happened to birth mother Sara. “We started out with an agreement that I would visit every month,” she said. “Then, after a few months, we both found that it was a bit too much. For me, it was hard to go through that emotional roller coaster every month – I would have just recovered and then it was time to visit again! And for them, I think they were finding it hard to bond as a family. So now we visit about every six months or so and exchange emails and pictures in the meantime.”

 

Flexibility is key, say the experts. Situations and feelings can change, and both parties have to be prepared for that. Sometimes birth parents need the space in order to get on with their lives, or they go on to have families of their own. What’s most difficult, however, is when one of the parties drops out of the picture altogether. “When my daughter turned 3,” Sara says, “her adoptive parents were very honest with me and said that if I didn’t think I was going to be able to stay involved in her life, now was the time to drop out – to minimize the hurt it would do to her, I think. Of course, I opted to stay involved, but it did make me take the life-long commitment I had to my daughter very seriously, even though I had placed her for adoption.”

 

Other times, it is the adoptive parents who drop the ball. Jessie, a birth mom from Nova Scotia, has experienced this. “We agreed on an open adoption with regular letters and photos,” she says. “At first, the letters were few and far between – but every time I got one it was awesome; I felt so much relief and was happy that he was in a good place.” Her son will be 13 this year, and she hasn’t received a letter since he was 8. “It’s tearing me apart,” she admits. “I don’t know where he is or if they’ve even told him he was adopted, or what they’ve told him about me. All I want is peace of mind,” she stresses. “I’m not trying to be his mother and I don’t even expect him to see me – I just want to see some pictures of him and know that he’s okay.” Jessie says that she doesn’t regret the adoption because she knows that’s what was best for her son, but that she does feel used and discarded.

 

The vast majority of the time, however, open adoptions run smoothly, especially when all parties are focused on the same goal – the wellbeing and happiness of the child. Anderson’s mom Paula says she wouldn’t have it any other way. “I guess, in a perfect world, we would have been able to have our own children, and Tricia would have been able to take care of hers. But it’s not a perfect world, and I think it’s worked out for the best for all of us – especially for Anderson. He is completely surrounded by people who love him, and I guess that’s what it all comes down to – you can never have too many people loving your child.”

 

Tips for prospective adoptive parents on having a successful open adoption:

 

 

 

 

Copyright © Jodi McIsaac Martens, 2008