Mind Matters: Wanting Another Baby - By Sherry Dale (Spring 2010)

WANTING ANOTHER BABY
The Unique Heartache of Secondary Infertility
Sherry Dale, MSW, RSW

Spring 2010

When you want a baby but have yet to achieve a successful pregnancy, you are experiencing primary infertility. If you already have one or more children and are having difficulty conceiving again, you are going through the difficult experience of secondary infertility.

The incidence of secondary infertility is not easy to determine. In one study, 60% of all patients visiting a fertility clinic already had at least one child. Another reported that 33% of infertility patients in their study already had a child. The U.S. infertility support group Resolve says 3 million Americans are experiencing secondary infertility. One author reviewing articles on the incidence of primary and secondary infertility stated, “By and large, these have indicated that primary infertility is more common than secondary infertility, though population-based data in the United States would suggest the reverse.”

Some people attending fertility clinics to have another child conceived their first one through fertility treatment, while others became pregnant easily with their first child and were surprised to find it was not easy to conceive again.

The emotional impact of secondary infertility is complex and painful. If you have a child or children and are trying to conceive another, your experience will be quite different from those who are going through primary infertility.

Secondary infertility can be experienced as a disenfranchised emotional burden: the heartache of not being able to have a second or third child is not well understood or supported by others.

The pain of secondary infertility is almost invisible to the general public. One author writes, “Even though issues relating to infertility have started to ‘come out of the closet’ in recent years, the media has remained focused on primary infertility. This leaves women experiencing secondary infertility feeling alone, misunderstood, and subject to a variety of hurtful comments.”

I always envisioned my family as me, my husband, and our two children. We have a beautiful, healthy daughter, and I love her and I am endlessly thankful for her. But I want another baby. It really hurts me when my friends and family say, “You already have a healthy child, you should just be grateful for her” – I am grateful for her. But I want another baby, and nobody seems to understand that. (Naomi, 34)

Sometimes, the heartache of secondary infertility doesn’t make sense even to the person feeling it!

I tried for so long to have my son, and once he was finally safely in my arms, I felt like all my problems were over. Now that he’s a year old, I find myself with that same old baby craving all over again, and I think I’m crazy! (Natalie, 36)

Further complicating the emotional impact of secondary infertility is the difference in how men and women tend to react to it. The anguish over not having a second child can be very deeply felt by a woman, and can surprise both her and her partner. In my experience, women are more distressed than men when their families are not the size they expected. Most men, once they have crossed the threshold and have become fathers, don’t seem to mind that much whether they are the father of one child or more. A woman is far more likely to have a sense of what her family will look like – if she always envisioned a family of three children, and she has two, she can keenly feel the absence of the one who is not there. She grieves the absence of that “missing person.”

Of all the emotional reactions I see in my clients experiencing secondary infertility, guilt is the most common. This is especially the case with parents who conceived their first child through fertility treatments. They feel they should just be happy and grateful that they have the child they have, and not wish for another.

We waited so long for her, and at times wondered if we would ever be parents. I remember thinking that if we could just have one baby, I would be satisfied, and never ask for anything else. Now that we have her, I feel the strong desire for another baby, and I wonder if I’m just being greedy. (Stacy, 38)

The intensity of their desire for another pregnancy makes some women feel that they aren’t properly appreciative of what they do have. Some feel it’s pushing their luck to want another. In fact, most people who have a child and are having trouble having another often hear advice from others such as, “You have one healthy child – just be happy with what you’ve got!”

Guilt can also be associated with the timing of the first child. If a couple waited to start their family and had their first child in their later 30s, difficulty conceiving again could be age-related. It’s very common for these couples to second-guess their decision not to have their children earlier. If one partner was ready for children and the other was not, the partner who wished to start earlier can develop resentment toward the one who wanted to wait. They may see their partner’s initial unreadiness as the reason that the family doesn’t feel complete. It can be a challenge not to place blame.

Often, the parent who is very focused on having another baby and upset that it’s not yet happened can feel guilty about the impact this has on the child they already have.

I have this wonderful little boy at home, and I can’t really focus on him or enjoy him as I should – and as he deserves – because I am so intent on getting pregnant again. I feel bad that he may be getting less of me than he should because I’m so obsessed with having another baby. And he sees me so upset and crying a lot of the time. Poor little guy, he doesn’t deserve this. (Brenda, 34)

Another aspect of secondary infertility that leaves parents guilt-ridden is the perception that the child they do have might suffer without a sibling. Parents worry that their child will be lonely, won’t be able to relate to other children, and will resent their parents for not giving them a sibling. If the child is asking for a sister or brother, and especially if they express upset at not having a sibling, the parents can feel very guilty indeed.

There is a stereotype of only children as spoiled, selfish, lonely and socially awkward. Parents worry that their only child may have personality problems that they wouldn’t have if they had siblings. Public opinion is harsh on only children – in a recent U.S. poll, only 3% of respondents stated a family with only one child was “ideal.”

However, recent research shows that only children are no different than those with siblings on overall adjustment and social competence – in fact, the only areas where only children and those with siblings show a difference are in intelligence and achievement motivation, where only children scored higher than those with brothers and/or sisters.”

Some parents feel a real urgency about the timing of a second pregnancy. They worry that the longer it takes, the larger the age difference between their children will be. This can add a pressure to their efforts to conceive again.

Having one child can add an element of yearning to the desire to conceive. When you already have had a baby, you know what you’re missing! One woman said, “Having had one baby I knew what a joy it was to give birth and hold your own baby in your arms. I felt a deep grief that I may never have that wonderful experience again and that my vision of family with siblings playing would never be realized.” You may yearn to experience pregnancy and the newborn days again. You may worry that all the milestones you’re witnessing in your child will be the last time you get to experience that phase.

If efforts to conceive again are not successful, some parents will consider egg donation, sperm donation, or adoption. These parents are concerned about the impact of one child being fully genetically connected to them and the next one(s) not sharing the full genetic tie.

Most women who are having trouble conceiving their first child at times find it difficult to be around pregnant women or parents with newborns or small children. It’s normal and healthy for these women to avoid child-centered events when they’re struggling emotionally. However, the mother experiencing secondary infertility can find it very difficult to distance herself from women pregnant with their second or third child, as she will be participating in activities with and for the child she already has. She may attend baby showers and birthday parties with her child but inwardly be suffering with sorrow and envy at other people’s “complete” families.

If you are experiencing secondary infertility, please know that you are not alone. Many others know what it’s like to witness their daughter take her first step, see their son go off to school for the first time, and wonder if that’s the last time they will ever experience that milestone.

The distress of the parent experiencing secondary infertility is very real, and not openly acknowledged or supported. If you are experiencing this, seek out supports – either through counseling, support groups, or Internet forums.

The heartache of secondary infertility is very real.

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