A Letter to My Daughter - By Katie DeRose (Fall 2010)

A LETTER TO MY DAUGHTER

by Katie DeRose
Fall 2010

My daughter Kara, a photographer, organized an event called Portraits in the Park in Kitchener, Ontario to promote infertility awareness during IAAC’s Canadian Infertility Awareness Week. That is where I met Beverly Hanck, Executive Director of IAAC and Editor-in-Chief of Creating Families along with Jocelyn Smith, President of IAAC. Both had taken the time to come from Montreal and Toronto to attend this event and I cannot thank them enough for all the support they have shown. While talking with Bev she asked me to think about writing an article from the “parents’ perspective”. I thought about it and thought about it. I wasn’t sure I could put my feelings into words. Then one night, as I lay half asleep, I pretty much wrote it all out in my head. I knew that I would probably forget and have to start all over in the morning, but when I awoke the thoughts and emotions were still there. The article was more like a letter to Kara but it conveys exactly how I think and feel.

Dearest Kara,

From the moment they put you in my arms, I felt three emotions. First of all, tremendous love. I didn’t know a heart could hold so much love. I met your Dad, had your brothers and then you came into my life. I also felt overwhelmingly protective. I would have done anything to protect you and always be at your side. Possessiveness is the other feeling which took hold of me. You were here; you were mine, my daughter, my child!

As I watched you grow, the variety and intensity of my feelings grew with your development. Seeing you toddle through your early years gave me incredible joy. You were such a determined, loving child, criss-crossing between laughter and temper tantrums. I also experienced real fear when you nearly choked to death on a bread stick I had stupidly given you. Then there was loneliness on the day I took you to school for the first time. I wondered whether the teachers would see, as much as I did, what a beautiful, smart little girl you were.

There was anxiety as well what with your lead roles in high school plays, your dancing and singing competitions. Would you be rewarded for your hard work or disappointed? Life’s lessons are always so hard to learn. Should I tell you that I was also apprehensive as you shyly entered the dating world?

When you brought home your Nathan, I knew that you had made the right choice as he was perfect for you. I believe we fell in love with him as quickly as you did. I recall the excitement in planning your wedding, so convinced were your Dad and I that you were starting on a new path with a wonderful man. I knew you wished to return from your honeymoon expecting the baby you had always wanted but you didn’t. What sadness I felt then! I also worried. Had not my mother-in law taken six years getting pregnant with your Dad? Were you perhaps like her?

Medical terms, drug names and treatments were a whole new bewildering world to me but they were your world now. I could always fix your hurts, kiss them better when you were little, but this hurt was so all encompassing that I felt helpless when I couldn’t do anything except be there for you when you cried every month.

At the outset some family members turned their backs on you and Nathan, removing any support or love. Hence, my anger. Why did they have children if they didn’t want to follow through with them?

I watched you in admiration as you continued to hold it together through all those procedures and all those drugs that played havoc with your system. I was amazed at your ability to give yourself a shot, after practicing on oranges, calmly remarking “look away, Mom”. I get faint at the very sight of a needle, never mind having to poke it into my own stomach time and time again.

I was very annoyed at hearing someone comment “But you are already a Grandmother”. I love that I am, and love the children that made me a grandmother, but I also want to be a grandmother to the child that is a blending of you and Nathan whether you conceive and the baby has your eyes and Nate’s hair, or if you eventually adopt, and your child is a blend of your personalities. In truth, each child is unique and special, and not just “another” grandchild.

I hold Nathan in very high regard, as he was always by your side, for all the procedures, to ensure that “Bunny” was there, and ready in the car with the throw-up bucket, the blanket and a warm face cloth.. I believe tough times either bring out the best or the worst in a person. Nathan has stood by you, cried with you, defended you, been there for you and, most importantly, has always loved you!

Then I felt rage toward a certain psychiatrist, recommended by a specialist, to help you cope with your feelings. She ignorantly felt she could offer advice after talking with you for a few minutes. Her theory was “Babies choose their parents”! When she cruelly asked “Do you really think a baby would choose you to be her parent when you are upset like this?” you were devastated. For her to turn to you and ask why you were crying, not understanding how her words had cut you, shows just how dangerous this person really was!

How happy and proud I am that through all these trials, you have found the silver lining. Your neighbours showed their concern and support with flowers left on your door-step, coconut cupcakes, or a quick email to see how you were doing. I am also delighted that you met Kim and Jason at the clinic’s reception area because you were on the same cycle, and became good friends with them. I was in awe as I witnessed your strength and kindness for creating Portraits in the Park and for wanting to give back to those who supported you.

This path of yours has been long-lasting, and full of obstacles. It’s never been “all about you” as you know, for Nathan is there, your Dad and I, your Nana, your aunts and uncles, your cousins, your brothers Shayne and Ryan, your sister-in-law Rita, even the children Brooke, Jordan, Brayden and Makayla are there with you wanting you to have your baby and be happy. You may walk the path with a heavier step for a while, but we are all walking it, side by side, with you.

And finally I feel exhilarated, as I am sure that one day I will hold this miracle that we have been waiting for and, as the circle again closes, I will again feel those three heavenly, motherly emotions: tremendous love, gentle possessiveness and protectiveness for a new life, your wonderful baby.

Loving you both whole bunches,

Mom