Introducing Mensfe, the Men’s Fertility Network

By Dr. Robert Barlow

Winter 2007

I don’t recall much of the meeting with the doctor on that day. All I can recall with great clarity is the moment when he turned to me and said ‘There’s no chance for you. You only have one or two sperm and they are dead anyway.’ Then he turned away to my wife and left me in an almost dreamlike state of shock. That is when the black years started and I was alone.

 

That was 26 years ago now and I have since become a father, though not a biological one. I am glad those years are behind me but I have been amazed that we seem to have made so little progress in communicating just how many men (and women) have fertility problems. It is a terrible taboo in all cultures but you would have thought that we would have made more progress in this information age, but not so. Men (and women) still have their lives turned upside down as infertility issues strike and for many it is a devastatingly lonely experience.

 

I met Pip Reilly, fellow co-founder of Mensfe, about six years ago at the first UK National Infertility Day in London. At that time he had already studied, researched, and worked with male fertility issues for many years and like me, considered support in the fertility arena to be lacking. He is an energetic and empathic character and we seemed to strike up a friendship right away. We kept in touch after that first meeting because of our mutual concerns for infertile couples, and the reluctant ‘male’ of the species in particular kept bringing us together at Conferences and alike. We were both concerned that men were being largely overlooked when it came to infertility. The advent of in vitro fertilization (IVF) has not actually been a universal panacea for men but rather a medical justification for simply passing over male fertility issues and getting into IVF/ICSI (intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection) and donor sperm as so-called treatments. Whilst these treatments are utterly remarkable, they can and do sideline the male partner, which only adds to his sense of loss and helplessness. As time passed, both Pip and I became more concerned that men were ‘out of the loop’ in most cases as treatment options focussed upon the woman.

 

In the spring of 2007 we decided to see if we could take a step that would offer encouragement and support to men with fertility problems by forming Mensfe. Pip, as a professional counsellor, had found group therapy to be a powerful tool in helping men (and women) to make progress in their own situations. Therefore we wondered whether more could be made of the Internet to offer something similar to group counselling and support, particularly for men. It’s not that we are sexist at all, quite the opposite; we are deeply concerned about the natural tendency for men to retreat whilst the women more naturally come forward under these circumstances.

 

We presented our ideas at the annual meeting of the International Consumer Support for Infertility organization  which took place in Lyons, France. To our great delight we were warmly welcomed and encouraged by the very predominantly female representation from around the world. Indeed it was striking just how few men were present at the Conference! However, I have to say that I did speak to two men. One was the partner of a marriage still hoping for an IVF success and another was an azoospermic man like myself, who shared his very positive story with me. These two men were the first that I had ever spoken to about infertility in any kind of meaningful way in 26 years! It was just great to find that I was really not alone and yet so sad that I had been so alone for so many years.

 

The discovery that I was infertile was a devastating experience and it has marked my whole life and development from that dreadful day. I had always wanted children and always expected that they would just come along. So to find that this would not be the case challenged the very basis for my life and purpose. I went into what I would now call the ‘black years’ where I found myself alienated from family and friends. I became fiercely competitive when playing squash and I drove my cars too fast. It was a painful time and I was alone. The options open to us at that time were adoption (which would take years) and AID (artificial insemination by donor). We spent a lot of time and money going down the AID road. It was not an easy road to go down because friends and family kept asking what kind of treatment we were having. Some of the questions were well meant I am sure, but at times I certainly thought the questions were more some kind of perverted interest mainly at my expense. However, AID did not work and after 6 years we found ourselves adopting a 10 week old baby girl. Thank God!

 

Nowadays some form of counselling is recommended for couples being either investigated or treated for infertility. However, few men actually take up the option and by setting up Mensfe we hope that we can encourage more men to become involved so that they spend as little time as possible in their own ‘black years’. You see the problem with those years is that a lot of damage can be done to the man, his partner and their relationship. Pip Reilly is passionate about encouraging and empowering gender communication, getting couples to talk to each other rather than at each other, and I applaud such passion because of my own experiences.

 

Shortly after discovering that I was infertile we joined one of the UK fertility charities around that time. We soaked up the information available and quickly became aware that others had problems having children. We were assigned to a ‘self-help’ group and eagerly awaited the first meeting, which was to be at a couple’s home alongside a shared meal. I remember it well; there were five couples present, all of different backgrounds and ages, and we were probably the youngest. The striking thing was that the whole evening was spent in small talk and not a word was mentioned about babies or infertility. Towards the end of the evening, out of frustration, I spoke up and asked where people were in their quest to have a family. An utter shocked silence followed and I realised that I had crossed a line that I vowed never to cross again.

 

So at Mensfe we hope to be able to let men cross lines of communication in a way that is safe and unthreatening, predominantly by use of the Internet. We do have information on the site but to be fair there are lots of informative sites around the world so it is not that which will make us distinctive. It is our public attempt to encourage men to engage with us in fertility issues that makes us unique and so if you are reading this we do urge you to give us a try. We men are not actually alone and we don’t have to stay in the black years as I call them.

 

Mensfe will be trying to fill what we believe is an important gap in support and information provision. The support will be very male focussed and we very much hope that Pip and I can combine human and professional qualities to make Mensfe relevant. As we make progress it is highly likely that professionals and female wives/partners will gain insight too, as they access the forums and discussion groups. Our ultimate goal will be to see blighted relationships brightened and future hope restored.