Helping Your Friends and Family to Help You

Sherry Dale, MSW

When you are experiencing infertility, your loved ones can be an invaluable source of support and comfort. However, not everyone knows how to respond to your experience, and it’s a rare infertility patient who has not been hurt by someone’s comment or action. It’s unlikely that your loved ones want to add to your distress while you’re trying to conceive, but even the most supportive friend or family member sometimes says or does something that seems insensitive or hurtful.

Sometimes, this involves “jokes” about whether you’re “doing it right” or even offers to help! Many people offer advice on treatments or other options, such as adoption or surrogacy, as if the fertility patient and their physicians may not have thought of them. They may offer examples of other people they know who have successfully conceived or adopted children.

Sometimes, people will suggest you just forget about having children, and may even tell you that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Infertility patients endure comments such as, “If you think you want children, take mine for a weekend and that’ll make you be glad you don’t have any!”

The most frequently-heard (and misinformed) advice is, “Relax! It will happen when you stop trying” or, “Just go on a holiday and forget about it – you’ll come home pregnant for sure!” People may even suggest that you are not yet pregnant because you are too stressed.

Many people submerged in fertility testing or treatment or going through the adoption process feel the need to not attend family events or friends’ parties and celebrations. Baby showers, christenings or blessings, children’s birthday parties, or any events centred on children can be particularly difficult. Your friends and family may not understand your need to stay away from gatherings, and may pressure you to participate.

Generally, many of us are not skilled at knowing how to respond to others’ grief, loss, and distress. We worry about saying or doing the “wrong” thing and making it worse. It can seem that the safest thing to do is to say nothing at all.

It can feel very lonely when nobody seems to understand your distress as you are trying to have a baby.

It can be very helpful for you and for your loved ones if you give them specific instructions on how to support you. Many of my clients have found it very helpful to compose a letter that follows a specific format, which I will outline here.

The delivery method for this letter is important. While e-mail may seem impersonal to some, it’s the perfect way to send this message for several reasons. Firstly, composing your message on e-mail allows you to craft it so it says exactly what you want it to say. You and your partner can work on it until it’s perfect and precise. If you were to deliver this message in person, you or your friend might get upset, or you may get flustered and forget certain points. Secondly, the recipient of your message can have their emotional reaction to it in private, without having to worry about upsetting you. Thirdly, everyone you send it to gets exactly the same message. Fourthly, they can refer to it again later if they need a reminder of what you’ve said. For friends or family members who are not on e-mail, you can print up a copy of your letter and give or mail it to them.

Here’s an example of such a letter, written by Cheryl and Doug:

Dear Friends and Family,

We are writing this letter to let you know how we are doing and a bit about what we’re going through. Many of you know that for three years, we have been trying to start a family. We have been seeing a fertility specialist and have had many tests and some treatments, one of which resulted in a pregnancy that we lost at eight weeks. Further treatments have not (yet!) been successful. We are continuing treatment.

We are deeply grateful for the support and love we have felt from you during this very difficult and emotional time. We know it can be difficult to know what to say to us while we struggle with infertility, so we wanted to let you know what we would find SO helpful. We also wanted to give you an idea what you can expect to see from US while we are trying so hard to conceive.

We have been seeing the counsellor at our clinic, who assures us our emotional reactions are absolutely “normal” for infertility patients. Many people having trouble getting pregnant find this to be the most difficult experience of their whole lives!

Our counsellor tells us that it’s quite common for an infertile couple to need to “cocoon” sometimes, and avoid certain events. You may see us less than you’re used to at these gatherings over the next few months. If we do attend, we might leave early. Sometimes these events are just too painful, and other times we may just be exhausted from early morning trips to the clinic or the fertility medications and procedures. Please continue to invite us, but know we may decline. Please don’t take our absence personally! We love you, and we love your children, and we look forward to long, warm relationships with you and the kids. We won’t always need this kind of space…but right now, we do. We will be back!

Some of you have asked what you can do, how you can help us during this difficult time. We are so blessed to have such caring friends and family! It’s not an easy question to answer, as sometimes we’ll feel pretty OK, and other times (just after a treatment cycle has not worked, for instance), we may be devastated, and what we need at those times will be different. Sometimes we just need to feel “normal” and not talk about the infertility, and other times, we may need to share with you how upset we are. If you’re not sure, it would be fine if you just ask directly, “What do you need from me right now?”

Generally, it would be most helpful for us if you wait for us to bring up the topic. If we tell you that we’ve had more bad news, what feels the most supportive is to hear you say something like, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this,” or just say nothing and give us a hug. If you become pregnant, we will be SO happy for you – and it would be easiest to hear your joyful news via email (because Cheryl might cry!). We want to share your happiness, but it can make us feel sad for what we don’t yet have and yearn for so much. If you are having an uncomfortable pregnancy, it’s probably best for you to share those difficulties with other pregnant friends and not us (at this point, anyway). Sometimes, the man in the infertile couple can feel left out. It would be wonderful if you sometimes ask Doug how he’s doing.

We are seeing a doctor we trust. If you have friends or relatives who have had success with certain doctors or treatments, or who have adopted, it would be best for us if you keep that information to yourselves, as we are confident that our medical team is helping us do all we can. Since nobody can know the outcome of this struggle, it would be good if you refrain from saying things like, “I just know it will happen for you!” or the dreaded, “Just relax and it will happen!” While we love a good joke, our infertility is a topic we will never find funny, so joking about it is not a good idea. There are some good articles for friends and family of infertility patients at www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_home.

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask either of us, or send us an email. It won’t make us feel worse if you talk to us about our struggle. It would be best to talk to us in private, in person or by email or phone, as it will embarrass us if we get upset in a restaurant or at the mall! We are so lucky to have a support system like you, and we hope this letter explains somewhat the situation we are in and how you can help us. Your love and support are treasured more than you know.

Thank you so much for caring for us and for being the type of loved ones that we can write a letter like this to!

Cheryl and Doug

Your letter will, of course, outline your own specific situation and needs – everyone has different circumstances and needs different things from their support system.

The first part of the letter gives the background. Cheryl and Doug had already told their loved ones about their struggle with infertility, but if you haven’t, you could explain it here in as much or as little detail as you wish. Some people feel a letter like this could be interpreted as criticism for the way your friends and family have responded to your infertility so far, so you begin by saying how fortunate you are to have friends and family who care so much for you. If you have seen a counsellor, your loved ones may be very relieved to know that they are not your only source of support, and that you’re accessing professional help. Hearing that an “expert” sees your reaction as “normal” can ease some of the worry they may feel for you.

The second part of the letter is an explanation of what they may see from you while you are trying to conceive. This will help your network know what to expect without you having to explain it every time or make excuses. It also reassures them that your absence from gatherings and differences in your behaviour are not permanent and that you still value your connection with them.

The third part is a set of specific requests for support. Everyone’s support needs will be different, and you will need to clarify for yourself what you need from others, which is not as easy as it sounds! Some people find it helpful to think of an answer to the question, “If my friends and family were perfectly supportive, what would they be doing and saying?” As much as possible, keep your language positive rather than negative – describe what they can do rather than what you wish they wouldn’t do. Make the requests very specific. Hearing, “I need you to understand” is unhelpful if they don’t know what that means to you. It’s much more useful to hear, “I need you to ask me how my treatments are going.”

Composing and sending a letter like this assumes that your loved ones mean well and want to support you. It’s a rare relative or friend who purposely wishes to be hurtful. Many people report that the people they send a letter like this to are grateful for the instruction, and feel honoured to receive it. Asking directly, clearly, and compassionately for the support you need can be comforting to you and to people who care about you.