FINDING MEANING ON YOUR FERTILITY JOURNEY by Sue Dumais - SPRING 2011

FINDING MEANING ON YOUR FERTILITY JOURNEY

by Sue Dumais

Why is this happening to me?

Why is it so difficult for us to conceive?

What did I do to deserve this?

If you can relate to these questions rest assured that you are not alone. These are questions that many women battling fertility will ask at one point or another. Initially they come from a place of fear, confusion and even anger. For most women, attempting to make sense of their fertility challenges is a struggle. When I help women find meaning on their journey there is a shift that takes place which allows them to experience a sense of peace and acceptance. I would like to help you find a sense of peace by shifting your current perspective, challenging your limiting beliefs and inspiring you to find meaning on your fertility journey.

Mine began in 2001 after a miscarriage. This was a life experience I struggled for years to make sense of. I went from questioning “Why did this happen?” to “What did I do wrong?” I blamed myself, I blamed the Universe and at one point I even blamed my baby for leaving. I turned my efforts to getting pregnant again and as each month passed, each menstrual cycle felt like another loss. I would go from anticipation and hope into confusion, grief and frustration. Eventually hope disappeared altogether. I felt an emptiness. I desperately wanted to fill the void deep down inside me. I thought the only way to do that was to get pregnant again. What I didn’t realize at the time was that this life experience would awaken me to a whole new life and a path of self-discovery. Today, when I look back, I can honestly say that my miscarriage saved my life.

Have you ever had a moment in your life where you were looking back at a situation and suddenly realized why it happened? Many people refer to it as hindsight. While you are in the midst of a situation it is often difficult to understand why it is happening, but in hindsight, months or often years later, you can make sense of it.

What if you could find meaning now? What if you didn’t need to wait months or years to figure it out?

I invite you to take some time to answer the following questions. They are designed to create awareness and inspire you to shed new light on your journey. Please answer these questions as openly and honestly as you can. Write the first words that come to mind. Even if your answers don’t make sense write them down anyway. It may take time for some answers to come to you.

Step 1: Creating Awareness

1. What is your biggest fear regarding your fertility?

2. What part of your fertility experience feels most out of your control?

3. Do you blame yourself or others for your fertility challenges?

4. If you were to guess why this is happening to you, what is your best guess?

Step 2: Practicing Acceptance

As we create awareness it is important to gather information without judgment. This step is the most important and it is often the one that most people skip. Acceptance is a way to make peace with what is and/or what was. It is about letting go of judgments and criticism, releasing all the “should” and “shouldn’t have” language that will keep you stuck in asking the question “why”. Without acceptance you will likely remain a victim of your circumstances. When you make peace and accept what is, you create space for a new perspective. You become open to a process of curiosity and discovery. Here are some questions that will help you.

1. Do you believe that everything you have experienced in your life so far has influenced who you are today?

2. Have you experienced moments of hindsight that helped you find meaning to a situation from your past?

3. To what extent can you make peace with your past?

4. To what extent can you accept your fertility journey?

Repeat the words: “I am where I am and it’s ok. I may not like where I am but it’s ok.”

Practicing acceptance doesn’t mean you appreciate or like your current situation, it simply means you can accept it for right now.

Step 3: Be Curious

A curious mind will allow you to look at your fertility journey without judgment. Most couples look at what isn’t happening and what isn’t working. Observing current situations or reflecting on the past with curiosity opens you up to see a new perspective. Let’s explore that with the following questions.

1. When you reflect on your fertility journey what is one thing that you learned about yourself or your life that you wouldn’t have otherwise learned?

2. What is one thing you are grateful for? This question can be difficult at first but take your time. For example, I am grateful for my husband and the unconditional love and support he continues to give me.

3. If you were to look back and discover a “gem” that came from your fertility journey, what would that be?

Step 4: Holding FAITH

How do you hold FAITH regardless of what happens around you? To me FAITH stands for Finding Answers In The Heart. Most people are capable of answering questions from both the head and the heart. Answers from the head are based on logic and reason. They are highly influenced by what others think along with your own thoughts and beliefs. When you answer from your heart you tap into your emotions and intuition. The heart is the place within you that knows without thinking. This is where you will find wisdom and guidance that will help you on your path. FAITH can guide you in making decisions and help you hold onto your vision no matter what happens around you.

Here are some affirmations that may help. Choose the ones that resonate deep within your heart and repeat them as often as you can. It helps to put up reminders such as sticky notes or wear a bracelet. For an affirmation to be effective you need to connect to the emotions behind the words.

1. Even though I don’t understand I know in my heart that one way or another, I will be a Mother/Father.

2. I am open and curious. I am willing to see this situation in a new light.

3. Even though my path is different than I thought it would be, I hold faith that my dream is possible.

4. I make peace with my fertility and I am grateful for the gems it has brought to my life.

5. I trust that everything is happening for a reason. I am open to discover meaning and peace.

6. I invite my baby into my heart and into my life. I know my baby will come when it is meant to be.

7. All is well. I hold my vision of Motherhood/Fatherhood no matter what.

8. It is possible! My dream is possible and I hold FAITH no matter what.

9. I trust that everything is happening with divine timing.

You have the ability to transform your fertility experience. It is possible for you to live an extraordinary life as you walk the path leading to your baby to be. Remember to be curious and resist the need to ask “why”. As you begin to find meaning on your fertility journey, you will find peace. It is in this place of peace that miracles happen and families are created.

About the author

Sue Dumais is the founder of Family Passages Mind Body Studio in Vancouver, British Columbia. She is the author of "A Strong Core for Life," and "Yoga for Fertility Handbook." Sue has developed a Fitness Fertility Specialist Certification and Yoga for Fertility Teacher Training Course. Sue's Yoga for Fertility Classes, Private Yoga Therapy Sessions and "Transforming Your Fertility", a couples’ mind body program, have been instrumental in transforming the fertility experiences of countless women and couples. To learn more visit www.familypassages.ca or call 604-266-6470.