The End of My Journey and a New Beginning

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My journey began 10 years ago at the age of 30, when my husband and I began the sperm wash program at one of our local hospitals. Because of our circumstances we went from sperm wash to IVF. Our first cycle of IVF was done back in the days before ICSI was available. We were devastated when there was no fertilization of my eggs. On our second IVF cycle everything went much better and we were lucky enough to conceive and our son was born 9 months later. A year later we tried another IVF cycle where again there was no fertilization, another major upset. We underwent another 4 IVF cycles in subsequent years using my own eggs with no pregnancy. My sister then offered to donate her eggs and we tried 2 donor egg cycles over the next 3 years. My sister being the very fertile one out of 3 sisters produced many eggs, which went on to become Grade 1-2 embryos. We had fresh transfers with both cycles, neither one resulted in a pregnancy. Because of the number of embryos created we were also able to undergo a number of frozen embryo transfer cycles.

All the time while undergoing my treatment cycles I journalled. I found that expressing my thoughts and feelings on paper often helped me to work through my many emotions that accompanied my infertility.

At the age of 37 when we embarked on our donor egg cycles I set myself a limit. We would not continue treatment past the age of 40. That was almost 5 years ago.

The following excerpts are from my journal when we were waiting for the outcome of my last frozen embryo transfer cycle prior to turning 40 years old.

“Regardless of the outcome of my FET cycle, it will be the end of my journey of going through the process of trying to have a second baby. Either I will be pregnant or I will not, but I know that this will be the last time I go through these 2 weeks of waiting hell.

When I think about this journey being over I feel such a weight being taken off my shoulders and lightness in my chest, that I know in my heart that this is the right decision for me. But there is sadness also, because of the finality of it all and what it symbolizes in my life. I mean, my infertility has been the focus of my life for the past 10 years, so much so that everything else has been put on hold, my education, hobbies, personal fitness, travel plans, etc.”

“If my test is negative I know I will be very upset, because of the outcome itself but also knowing that I will now stick with my decision to stop the pursuit of another pregnancy. It will be time for me to accept that this is the way it was meant to be - my husband, my handsome son and me - “The 3 Musketeers”   - “My family”.   I will enter a new phase of my life where I can focus on us and me, without the thought of my “next cycle” looming ahead of me. It will be tough at times I’m sure, but having the support of my loving husband will help me through. Looking into my son’s big, beauti-ful brown eyes will be the best medicine of all. 

“Even though I’ve had many attempts at a second pregnancy which have not been successful I still consider my process a positive one. Every time I look into my son’s handsome face and sparkly eyes I am reminded of how very blessed I really am. Out of the thousands of women who experience IVF, I was one of the lucky. And that thought makes me smile; yet, I feel so bad for the women who will never experience the joy of holding a child of their own. These are the thoughts that will help me through the tough times.”

“But, for now, I will still hope… until the result of this last cycle.”

I did not conceive in my last frozen embryo cycle. So many of the words that I had written previously did comfort me as I started a new phase in my life. At the beginning there were some good days and some not so good ones, but the good ones started to eventually become more and more. I think that stopping your infertility treatments is a process emotionally and you don’t wake up one day and say “There, I’m finished and I’m OK with it” You have to work through the feelings that follow in the days, months and years to come.   I think really it is just within the last year or so, approximately 3 years after stopping treatment that I can really say “I’m OK” .  

Infertility has a profound effect on one’s life and self esteem. From my 10 years of infertility treatments I take with me many things that I have learned about myself that will affect the way I live the rest of my life.