Change is in the Air

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by Danielle Alderman

Winter 2010

As the days grow shorter and the nights grow chillier, there is no denying that change is in the air. Pregnancy, like the change of the seasons, brings with it a knowing and awareness that change is upon us. One change is a choice, the step you’ve taken to achieve this change, but the end result and life beyond the change remain a mystery. Inevitably, no matter how prepared or how accepting we are, there is no denying that something old has to end for something new to begin.

As I sit here, a mere two weeks before the anticipated arrival of a miracle angel seventy menstrual cycles in the making, I take a moment to reflect back on, acknowledge and perhaps, in some way, mourn the past. Like seasons, everything goes in cycles; to some degree it all repeats and creates patterns and comforts, likes and dislikes. Lessons are learned and life happens, the same but differently in each season. We grow, we evolve, we adapt and we progress. Variables may change, but there are always constants, constants that can make you or break you in one foul swoop, constants that can comfort you or hurt you depending on the light or the time of day. We come to rely on our constants... in some cases we become attached to them.

Infertility, or what I have long referred to as being "reproductively challenged," invaded my life slowly and methodically. I refused to accept the label of infertility for many years, because it sounded to be so permanent to me. The little voice in my head always reminded me that it may be a long road and a tough road, but it would not be the only road I ever traveled. However, in time I did come to accept the term, not for its permanence, but because infertility made me who I am today.

I have been asked on occasion – by the "fertile" and "infertile" – if I would change any of it if I could. Would I consider trading my life, my experience and my infertility for the ability to conceive naturally or easily? Would I trade the money and the time invested to know what it would be like to be normal? If I had to do it all over again, would I do it any differently?

The simple answer is no. I would not trade the weeks, the months or the years. I would not trade the tens of thousands of dollars. I would not trade the procedures, the protocols, and the medications. I would not trade the sadness, the sorrow, the frustration, nor would I trade the hope, the faith or the happiness. This makes very little sense to many people. But it’s like in the movies where when the lead character gets a chance to go back and remake the past, and inevitably learns that they had it exactly right all along – that learning was a part of the process I accepted long before success found us.

Granted, it was far from easy, it was far from cheap, but by golly it was rewarding on so many levels that I would be silly to trade it for anything else. And it became my constant. Infertility was a life I knew how to live. It was a life I had conquered, a life I was willing to accept if it meant I could be happy and at peace with myself, my body and my relationship with my husband. I was willing and prepared to forgive infertility so that I could move forward as a stronger more courageous person than when I’d begun.

I was the master of my infertility. I had learned to walk the tightrope that had become my life. I knew the emotional instabilities that would exist when medicated. I could identify the emotions of the first two weeks of a cycle versus the emotions of weeks three, then four. I knew when to expect Doubt to stop by for a coffee and a chat, and I knew that if I was patient enough and didn’t fight him off, that inevitably Hope and Faith would join me and together we’d make it so he simply no longer wanted to stick around.

I had surrounded myself with people like me – “misfits.” People who were having trouble conceiving or who were more unlikely than most to conceive in the near future and abandon me. I learned to live a life without kids where I could still smile and laugh. I learned to be me in an alternate universe, a universe where I could take the lessons and the pain of infertility and put it to good use, a place where I was more aware, understanding, considerate and passionate, where my experience made me stronger and more able to help others. It was a universe where I had credibility because I was living in it.

To some degree, I still have that credibility, but I am aware that it's different now. I am now a veteran and not a soldier in active duty. The seasons are changing, life is evolving and things will simply be different. But that difference will never change where I’ve been and how I learned to conquer my life with infertility.

There was a time where I said that infertility stopped being something I was experiencing and actually became part of whom I’d become – like a weight on my shoulders or a black cloud that followed me. I defined it as a curse that haunted me and shielded me from my own potential. At the time, I never knew that one day I would be able to speak of my experience with infertility with pride. It’s a pride that comes not from our success in overcoming the seemingly impossible, but in how I chose to co-exist with my nemesis. Without that pride I would not be where I am or who I am today.

As I reflect back upon so many lessons, I ask myself which of them are most important to pass along. In all honesty, there are so many that I cannot say that one is any more important then the next. But I can offer some words of advice.

Trust – Trust yourself. Trust your intuition, your body, your heart and your head. When you truly learn to trust yourself, you will find peace, and that peace will assure you it won’t matter how long it takes for you to conceive, because you know on a much deeper level that you will find success, harmony and happiness.

Forgiveness – Forgive yourself. Forgive your body. Forgive your partner, your doctor, your friends and the strangers who ask the wrong questions at the wrong time. Forgive the pregnant woman who seems to be the least qualified person to reproduce on the face of the planet – she clearly carries a much larger burden in life. Your body may not always cooperate, doctors may not always have the perfect formula, your partner may not always say the right thing and your friends may not always be there. Forgive them all, it will warm your heart and give you the strength you need to move one step closer to your happiness.

Hope – She will be the best friend you’ll have and your worst nemesis. You’ll love her when she holds you to the heavens and fills you with warmth and optimism. You’ll curse her for dropping you on more than one occasion and letting you hurt so much. But no matter what you say to her or how you treat her, she’ll come back over and over again. She’ll never abandon you and she’ll always be there for you.

Faith – Have Faith in yourself, in your dreams, in your intuition. It won’t always be easy; there will be plenty of deterrents, obstacles and reasons for doubt. When times are tough, take a deep breath and just have Faith.

Patience – There is no race to conceive, it doesn’t matter how you get there or when you get there. Just know that when your time comes, all the times that came before it will become irrelevant, because right then and there will seem so undeniably perfect.

Control – Conception isn’t about control, endurance, strength or will. It doesn’t rely on how hard you work, how much you pay or what you think you can control. No one can will themselves pregnant or make it happen. No matter how perfect the timing, the embryos, the eggs, the sperm, the environment, the moment, the instant, the anything – there are no guarantees and never will be.

Embrace it all – When there is something worth being happy over, be happy, even when it seems so useless and unlikely. Celebrate it and embrace it; it could grow into something bigger. When your world comes crashing down, accept it. Without the downs, you’ll never know how truly high you could go.

Be Open – Open your mind, open your heart, open yourself to the possibility that anything can happen and that even the advice you hate most may be the most valuable.

And in the end, know that when your season changes and you move on, that there will be no handbook or guidelines. It will be different, it will be unexpected and uncharted. But use the tools and skills you’ve gathered on these roads and take them with you. Infertility can prepare you to tackle anything and conquer it.

About the Author

Danielle and her husband Jeff were teenage sweethearts and have been enjoying life together since 1994. Following their marriage in 2001, they decided to start growing their family in April 2003. Largely undiagnosed, they fell under the category of “unexplained” infertility. Having been to the edge and back medically, mentally and physically, Danielle and Jeff are proud to announce the birth of Elizabeth Alexandra Alderman on September 22, 2009. Danielle can be contacted at DanielleAlderman@hotmail.com