Beyond Infertility - by Rita Schnarr (Winter 2011)

BEYOND INFERTILITY

by Rita Schnarr
Winter 2011

Recently, while having a manicure, I picked up the First for Women magazine and chuckled while I read the “Last Laugh” section entitled: 5 Signs You’re Ready for School to Start.

5: Your kid’s “first day” clothes have been laid out since July.
4: You broke down and called your mother-in-law for backup.
3: The cat hisses at the words “I’m bored!”
2: You disconnected the TV… There’s only so much of Barney you can take.
1: You Googled “Last Minute Summer Camps.”

Now… for those of us who find ourselves in this “Beyond Infertility” predicament, I discovered that I can now finally read magazine clips like this with a chuckle and think, “Thank Goodness, I don’t have to worry about trying to get rid of the kids!” In the past, my reaction would have included cursing the writer with my bubble thought: “You should be happy you at least have a kid to send off to school!!”

In this message, I will give you a glimpse of my journey up until today and suggest how your future might look after a difficult time of trying to have a child of your own. You may be wishing you could be one of those parents sending their kids off to school, but there may come a time when you will be able to look at the glass “half full” and find the joy in living childfree. Maybe you too can have the “last laugh.”

Now, let’s rewind my life a bit so that you can get some perspective as to how I came to terms with infertility and created a happy life after the ride was over. First of all, I want you to know that I fully understand your hopes and dreams of having a child of your own. My husband and I endured the same repeated hardships and losses you may have already experienced or are yet to experience. To be frank, it was a time in my life that lasted a decade and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. But, as my therapist once told me, “It is what it is… accept it and move on.”

Trust me, I wish I could be writing an article sharing how I had successful pregnancies and showing off pictures of my kids. Don’t think that I didn’t look at magazines with stars like Céline Dion who do end up getting pregnant (following several IVF attempts, mind you)… and secretly curse their luck. Why them and not me? I get your anger, feelings of injustice, why me’isms… (not enough verbs to adequately describe what you feel, right?)

Putting those momentary jealousy attacks aside, I had to come to the understanding and acceptance that God had a different plan for me and I now believe that there’s a reason for everything that happens in our lives. I had to choose to either fight this outcome or embrace it. But when and how could I do that?We were given different advice from various sources. After four unsuccessful IVF cycles, we chose to discontinue treatments because of the obviously decreased success ratio. Also being told that my “eggs were now unresponsive” (even after being injected with the maximum amount of fertility drugs) was another major indication that my poor body was worn out.So… What helped me move on?

I set a goal date to stop the fight. I chose my 40th birthday as the time to start living and accepting my fate. I stopped thinking that my life would be incomplete if I didn’t have my own children. For years, I would blow out my candles with that one secret wish: “I want to get pregnant.” After setting a psychological boundary on that birthday, I gave myself permission to feel free from this personal and social expectation. This green card gave me a chance to explore how else I could fulfill my life and leave behind the anguish that infertility can inflict on one’s self-esteem.

I needed to love and accept the body God had given me. I had to stand at the threshold of this new start and choose to stand still or go forward. Bit by bit, I began to move ahead – into a new sense of time and relationship with both myself and others. Feeling gratitude for my overall good health, instead of focusing on the ‘broken parts,’ also helped to see a new person in the mirror.

I had to quit being angry at God for not answering the prayers that I thought were right for me. I now believe that God never gives us more than we can cope with. I have renewed strength that I never thought could be restored after a decade of being poked and prodded with gynaecological-related surgeries and repeated psychological lows and blows.

I had to adjust my attitude so as to accept and embrace friends and relatives who have children and find ways to comfortably involve myself in their lives, but on my terms. My new approach was: Slow integration, not complete separation (i.e. baby showers). Consequently, this created more opportunities to share in the raising of my friends and cousins’ children. They are now more comfortable having me around because they don’t feel as bad being fertile (especially those who are successful on their first attempt (a concept I still have a hard time wrapping my brain around!).

As I began to move out of the dark, I needed to find daily building blocks of viewing life through different coloured lenses. There were grey days, but I had to learn to try and find new shades. I had to strive to look for the full spectrum of colour – the new rainbow of my life.

I started to treat myself to the joys of having the freedom to indulge in “me” time and adventurous experiences with my husband – that includes doing laundry. I began to appreciate and really notice quiet moments (especially after visits with friends with young babies or children!). I can choose when I want to be around children.

Our “School Break” is when and how we wish to spend it. We can sleep in if we want, travel to spots besides Disneyland or family resorts, dine out at a moment’s notice, see any rated movies and eat anything we want. Pouring my motherly love onto my two cats (“furry babies”) also helps as an outlet for that innate nurturing need!

This may sound like a selfish lifestyle, but I didn’t feel so alone when I found out the latest Canadian Census Statistics…

Did you know that there are more families in the country without children (42.7 per cent) than couples with children (41.4 per cent)?

I know… you’d rather be in the with children category, but doesn’t it feel a bit better knowing that there are so many other Canadians without children too? This changing trend has made it much more socially acceptable and normal (yes, I said “normal”) to be childfree (by choice or circumstance).

Given this new trend, try to find other couples who do not have kids either and may share similar interests. Get out and have some fun doing activities together. My husband and I love to golf and I can’t tell you how many childfree couples we’ve met out on the golf course. We began to realize that our old model of beliefs blocked any opportunities of meeting new and wonderful people who were like-minded and could relate to us in our present state. Notice that present and gift mean the same thing!
In the book “Eat, Pray, Love” the author Elizabeth Gilbert speaks of advice that was given to her during her initial attempts to meditate and let go of the sad circumstances of her past:

“Ever try to take a toy away from a toddler? They don’t like that, do they? They start kicking and screaming. Best way to take a toy away from a toddler is to distract the kid, give him something else to play with. Divert his attention. Instead of trying to forcefully take thoughts out of your mind, give your mind something better to play with. Something healthier… like pure divine love.” (Pages 40, 41).

Learning to accept that pure divine love for myself was not an easy task. I had to “divert my attention” from self-pity and mourning a lost dream with “something else.” I started to look for different “toys” to play with and focus on. For you it could possibly be a new business, career, hobby, pet, travel, or spending more quality time with your spouse (outside of tracking when you’re ovulating).

In closing, I’d like to share the beautiful “Prayer of St. Francis” that carried me through my dark days and that I still find refuge in:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light
where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.

I love the saying: “Celebrate Life” because it is a reminder that life is short and each day is precious. As you take steps to look for the colours of your new rainbow of life, may you learn to laugh again, and try to “find joy where there is sadness.” May grace fill the spaces that have been empty as you begin your new journey beyond infertility.

About the author
Rita Schnarr was the creator and first author of the "Patient's Perspective" column after going through the struggle of infertility for over a decade. She served on the IAAC Board of Directors and set up the first Support Group in Vancouver, BC. As well, Rita represented the infertile people of Canada by helping fight Bill C-6 at the Senate of Canada, has been interviewed by CBC, and was also part of the documentary on Fairchild TV to help couples through their experiences. Rita is the President of Schnarr and Associates and helps businesses worldwide with online talent management solutions. She resides with her husband and two cats in Vancouver and is happy to contribute another article a few years later with a brand new "perspective!"