Adoption Corner: Parenting With Passion - by André Fontaine (Spring 2011)
Printer-friendly versionADOPTION CORNER
PARENTING WITH PASSION
by André Fontaine
Spring 2011
Ever since I was a child I knew I wanted to be a parent. Why and how I would reach that goal became clearer as I grew older. I wished to make a real difference in a young person’s life. I wanted to journey with him or her when they were most in need and offer guidance, encouragement and empowerment for them to reach their full potential. In short, I wanted to become a foster parent.
As a single gay man in the early 1990’s, I knew this would be difficult. Our rainbow community was still struggling for equal rights in the workforce and in society in general. We were also dealing with brothers and sisters living with AIDS and HIV, which spurred further discrimination, and the many whose lives were lost in their battle with the disease.
In 1993, I decided to inquire about becoming a foster parent. I remember being very impressed with the intake worker. She spoke to me as if I was an eligible candidate for fostering even when I disclosed that I was a gay single man. She invited me to her next information session. When I arrived, I quickly realized that I was the only single man among a few single women and several straight couples. But the intake worker treated all of us as equals and that made me very comfortable.
After the information session, my resolve to become a parent, to foster, to make a difference was reinforced. I knew that as a single person I was not able to do it all on my own. I also knew I could not count on my family, since they lived in Saskatchewan whereas I had settled in Ontario. As a result, I invited 12 of my closest friends (who were like family to me) for a big dinner. They came, and I announced to them that I was planning to become a foster dad. I also explained that I did not feel I could do it on my own and that I would need some support at times in order to do the best job I could. I asked if any of them would commit to helping me and my future foster children or youth. After that evening, and to my surprise, four of my best friends came forth and said that they would commit to any of my future foster children or youth. I was delighted and felt ready to move to the next step.
I began filling out all the different forms. In 1993, the forms were not all that inclusive. They were very much geared to straight couples. Each form had “Mother’s name” and “Father’s name” on it, unlike the more recent forms which are now intended for individual applicants as distinct from those for couples – “Applicant A” and “Applicant B.” Other forms were not terribly rainbow friendly either. I felt compelled to provide the Children’s Aid Society of Ottawa (CAS) constructive feedback on their documentation.
A couple of weeks later I received a call from a CAS worker who initiated a home study. Shortly after that I was registered in their pre-service course that every foster and adoptive parent must take. I went through a process which took about three months before I was approved as a foster parent. I really enjoyed the home study and the course, and I felt much better prepared to foster.
I had the privilege of fostering pre-teens and teenagers for 11 years. There were many wonderful times and some very rough moments. When I began fostering I had a full head of hair and now I would be considered follicly-challenged, although age and genetics may have had something to do with it. However, I do not regret fostering in any way. In total, I fostered seven youths, always one at a time. In that way I felt I could stay focussed on their specific needs.
Jon came into care at the age of nine, the only survivor of a car accident that took the lives of his mother, stepfather, and his two younger sisters. Following various placements, Jon arrived at my home at age 11. He was to stay only for a week – for the March break. He had been acting out in his last foster home and was not doing well emotionally. His foster parents and the CAS worker felt he should take a break from them. This foster family included three biological children and they were fostering three other children. Jon was somewhat lost in that environment and was not able to grieve his family the way he needed to.
After spending a week with me, Jon asked his CAS worker whether he could stay with me until the end of the school year. She looked at me and asked if that would be all right, with the understanding that he would eventually return to his former foster family’s place. I agreed. In May of that year, during one of his CAS worker’s visits, Jon asked if he could stay with me for the long term. Again the worker looked at me and asked if that would be fine. I agreed. To this day his former foster family remains a big part of Jon’s life and we have always kept in contact and visited each other regularly.
In 2002, two years after I began to foster Jon, I met my spouse, D’Arcy and fell in love. Jon fell in love as well. Jon and D’Arcy really hit it off the first time they met.
In 2004, we decided to move in together. We sat down with Jon and told him that we were going to find a place and we were all going to move in together. Jon asked why we wouldn’t get married in order to become a real family. I explained to Jon that a family doesn’t become “real” through marriage, that a family is who we feel safe with. It could be a single person, a couple (married or not), it may be grandparents, uncles, aunts, or friends. Families come in all shapes and sizes. After speaking with Jon, D’Arcy and I quickly realized why Jon asked us to get married to become a “real family.” His mother had had several boyfriends who were not permanent relationships – some were great, some were O.K. and others were not so good. Jon was really attached to D’Arcy and wanted to make sure that he wouldn’t leave, that he would stay. So we looked at each other and decided we would get married – we say that it was Jon who proposed. Conveniently, same-sex marriage had just been legalized in Ontario.
For our wedding, my family came to Ottawa from Saskatchewan and D’Arcy’s from British Colombia. We had a party and after everyone went home, we found Jon, who was 15 by then, tearing up on the sofa. We asked him what was going on. He did not want to answer immediately, but he finally asked who would go to his wedding when he got married? My face dropped in surprise at such a question. I asked him what he meant. He stated that, “He was just a foster child, that he had no real family.” My heart broke into pieces when he said that to us. I assured him that D’Arcy and I would be at his wedding, that our friends, who are like our family as well as our families from Saskatchewan and British Columbia would be at his wedding.
When Jon left, I looked at D’Arcy and he nodded. We didn’t have to say anything else. The following day, we approached CAS and asked if we could put an adoption plan in place to adopt Jon. They asked why we would want to do that considering that Jon was already 15 years old. I was shocked at their question and explained that Jon was demonstrating the importance of permanency and we would like to offer him a sense of permanency. They said that they would connect with Jon and get back to us. After speaking with Jon they realized that he very much wanted to be adopted and was so happy to know that we truly wanted him to be part of our lives forever.
By the time the adoption was finalized, Jon was 16 years old. As a result of this process, I advocated with CAS to encourage their workers to approach the subject of adoption with other older children and youth. I felt that we should not allow our youth to age out of a system without anyone in their lives; rather, that they should age out of the system and into a family. Every youth needs to know that they can still come home to do their laundry even when they’re 27 years old.
A year after Jon was adopted, his biological father and his four half-siblings connected with him for the first time. D’Arcy and I were and still are very much part of that connection as well. We try to celebrate all the significant events in each other’s lives together. It is wonderful. Because of Jon, our family has grown even larger.
It was not always easy with Jon. D’Arcy and I had to take many long walks and have many hard conversations. But we stuck with him through the thick and the thin.
We are very proud of our son Jon, who is now 21 years old. He always showed an interest in aviation and, as of last year, he completed both his commercial pilot’s licence and his instructor rating. Jon attends college and is developing his skills as an entrepreneur in the business program. He is also a resource person for future foster and adoptive families and sits on a panel during their training.
As a result of my fostering and adopting experience, I now work with the Children’s Aid Society of Ottawa as a foster and adoptive family recruiter and I do it with passion.